What Would Jane Austen Do?: June 2007

at 3:03 AM

1. "The character Farfour, a Mickey Mouse look-alike who preached Islamic domination on 'Tomorrow’s Pioneers,' a Hamas -affiliated children’s television show, was beaten to death in the final episode Friday by an actor posing as an Israeli official trying to buy Farfour’s land."

2. Leprosy is also called Hansen's Disease, and it's not the malady described in the Bible. The confusion comes from an old mistranslation of Hebrew scriptures. The disease mentioned in the Bible is better known as tzaraath.

3. From the Department of WTF? Casting: Tom Hanks is going to play Charlie Wilson in the movie Charlie Wilson's War.

4. Dwight Eisenhower had never seen combat when he became commander of the U.S. troops in Europe.

5. The Richard III Society is comprised of people attempting to repair Richard's reputation. Their site features a game where you can "rearrange Henry Tudor's face."

6. Ho Chi Minh was a kitchen assistant at the Ritz Hotel in Paris during the meetings for the 1919 Treaty of Versailles.

7. Scarlett O'Hara was originally named "Pansy."

8. The Governor of California does not keep a schedule or make appointments. (A Perfect Mess, print only).

9. Darwin's publisher told him a book on pigeons would sell better than his book on evolution.

10. Judd Apatow has three movies coming out next summer.

at 7:10 PM

I think Air Guitar should be the 21st century version of Jazzercize.

Video approximately two minutes, from 2006 U.S. Air Guitar Championships.

at 1:38 AM

Has it occurred to anyone else that blogs are to the 00's what CB radios were to the 70's? Meaning that, one day our kids are going to find out that we read -- or, worse, wrote -- blogs and think we were TREMENDOUS dorks. And they'll be right.

at 10:56 PM

Craig Biggio got 5 hits tonight, including hit number 3,000. My favorite part of this story, though, is that the man doesn't rest on his laurels. For his 3,000th hit he knocked a grounder into centerfield, and he was called out at second when he tried to stretch the hit into a double. God bless him for that.

The news of Biggio's 3,000th hit might overshadow the news of Frank Thomas' 500th home run, which is, statistically speaking, a greater feat. Biggio is the 27th player to get 3,000 hits; Thomas is the 21st to get 500 home runs. Hurray for both of them.

I started to tear up when Biggio brought his old teammate Jeff Bagwell on to the field with him. But then I remembered that there's no crying in baseball.

at 12:41 AM

What do you get if you search for "craigslist, wedding, samesex, accordian [sic], canada, love" on Metafilter? This awesome story.

at 12:01 AM

Mamacita is full of piss and vinegar today:

aggressive panhandlers

boutiques that are “curated” rather than “stocked”

Caitlin Flanagan

diapers in the pool -- no I don’t have a better solution, but it’s still gross

electronic toys

French fries that are inadequately salted – what is the point? I ask you.

goody bags at children’s parties – nobody ever thinks to put condoms in there

holy rollers

inflexibility – an inability to change, that is

juvenile sarcasm – you have to be a certain age to earn your cynicism

keeping hats on inside the building

lurkers – you know who you are

Dr. Melfi on The Sopranos

nutrition Nazis

Oprah’s endorsement of The Secret (worse than the book itself)

prudes

questions – ask Papi Chulo what happens when you ask me more than two, consecutively

road rage – traffic happens; chill the fuck out

scatological humor

television pundits

use of two-bit words where nickel words would suffice

v.d. – ain’t it a bitch?

writing that is paid by the word (see also: Caitlin Flanagan)

x—the letter; it screws up my abecedary every week (damn Greeks)

Yankees fans

zealots in the La Leche League

at 8:32 AM

There is an excellent spread in July's Elle Decor about Trina Turk's Case Study house in California. If you're a fan of what they're calling "California modern" style, it's worth a look. The article isn't online yet, but Apartment Therapy: Los Angeles has some scans.

at 6:16 AM

You know how you can go your whole life without hearing about something, and then all of a sudden, it's everywhere? Typically this is the result of a massive PR campaign, and I don't feel the need to play along. But here I go, anyway.

Friday, 22 June: John posts about Jura scotch.
Monday, 25 June: The Writer's Almanac points out that it is George Orwell's birthday.
Tuesday, 26 June: The Cool Hunter newsletter arrives in my in-box with a travel piece on the Isle of Jura, where George Orwell retreated to write 1984.

The lodge featured in the Cool Hunter spread looks like a pretty unlikely place for a socialist to write his magnum opus. The pictures are worth a look if you're into shelter porn. But what I really want to know is to what extent these mentions are coincidental. Because I've long suspected that John is a total PR whore.

at 6:15 AM

Reading

Watching
(as bad as it looks)

Listening to

at 5:18 PM

I decided to take up John's question about elevator etiquette. I did a little research today to find out if ladies do, indeed, go first into and out of elevators.

Surprisingly, not many people weighed in on the subject at all. Those who did said something banal like "the people nearest the door go in first," which is not at all a satisfactory answer. Finally, this afternoon, I found a reference to the fact that "people used to crawl all over one another in elevators, mostly for the purposes of ensuring that women would be permitted to enter and exit an elevator before men." Unfortunately the author, Marjabelle Young Stewart, goes on to say, in effect, that it's every man for himself now in the elevator business. That is a shame. She says that some "old-school gentlemen" do still yield to ladies in boarding and departing elevators. Here's hoping that "old-school gentlemen" are more common than she thinks. Also, it occurs to me that Ms. Stewart is making reference to a time when there were elevator operators to push buttons and hold doors; that situation is obviously not the one that brings us to our question today.

I agree with John that, in principle, it should be a lady's prerogative to stay in an elevator for the least amount of time possible. Furthermore, the most practical way to hold the door open for another person boarding an elevator without an operator is to get on first and press the Hold Door button. So I'm still in favor of men boarding first, but I haven't found the right citation yet. The search continues.

UPDATE: There is, unbelievably enough, an entire website devoted to the subject of elevator etiquette. Their answer and the ensuing discussion lack the authority to settle the question definitvely; however, one commenter aptly identified the exceptions to the "Ladies First" rule as "canary-in-a-coal-mine situations."

at 3:52 PM

I never write book reviews, because I don't think I do them well. Consider this an apology in advance. Furthermore -- does this happen to anybody else? -- I always read books a year or more after they come out, so nobody is talking about them any more. This is SUPREMELY disappointing in situations where you really want to talk to other people about what you've read. Examples that come to mind from the past couple of years for me include Freakonomics, The Blind Side, Moneyball, and the book I'm reviewing now, Free Gift With Purchase: My Improbable Career in Magazines and Makeup by Jean Godfrey-June.

Ms. Godfrey-June is the Beauty Editor of Lucky, and past beauty editor of Elle, as well as a veteran freelance writer. The problem with reading her book more than a year after it came out is that it is, in part, a roman à clef. She mentions several of her more outrageous former co-workers but assigns them pseudonyms. This can't be for legal reasons, or for reasons of wanting not to burn bridges; several of the people mentioned were obvious even to me, an outsider. So it's just damned annoying. I did a number of Google searches to try and figure things out, but was not particularly successful.

But my additional research serves as evidence that I really enjoyed the book. I liked her conversational writing style. The book has two distinct elements: first there is the narrative element -- the story of her development as a beauty writer and editor. [This is where I ran into the problem of wanting the author to name names.] It was thoroughly enjoyable, light reading.

The second element, in true Lucky style, is comprised of the sidebars. These are the real gems of the book. You get honest, credible assessments of how to maximize your time and money in the beauty realm. My favorites include pieces about plastic surgery, getting good haircuts, and, best of all, "The Least Amount of Exercise You Can Get Away With." Rocket science it is not, as the author freely admits, but it is useful information nonetheless.

The author mentions a few of her favorite beauty products by name, which is also very useful because you know, in this context, that they weren't mentioned as part of a pay-for-play arrangement. She is also forthcoming about the amount of makeup she actually wears; I wouldn't call her regimen minimalist, but it's not completely unrealistic, either.

By the way, in an interview I found online, Jean Godfrey-June named the one beauty product she actually goes out and buys with her own money, presumably because she goes through it faster than fresh supplies of it arrive in her office. It is Anthelios sunscreen, the UVB-blocking formula previously only available from foreign sources. I mentioned it here last month as it is now available in other brands and through more traditional channels in the U.S.

The book is available in paperback now (one of the advantages of waiting to read it), so I'd say at $10 it is definitely worth the purchase. Read it and pass it along to a girlfriend.

at 1:08 AM

Reading

Watching

Listening to
(with cousin Reilly)

Mawmaw Sue had this DVD at her house and I popped it in Sunday morning. Emmet was laughing his fool head off.

at 4:16 PM

I am totally insulted. The words that garnered the PG rating were "ass" and "fucking." Oh, yeah? What about "assfucking?" What does that get me?

Do NOT throw down that gauntlet, dude.

That reminds me of the profane game -- you have to type as many swear words as you can think of in sixty seconds. I only managed a 21, but Peetie got a 43. The high score is supposedly over 200, but I call shenanigans on that.

UPDATE:

A little more assfucking and we'll get there, people.

at 2:50 PM

Magic-inspired wall decals. These are so cool, aren't they? Via Apartment Therapy-The Nursery.

at 4:18 AM

Reading

Watching

Listening to

at 10:49 PM

the day in 1932 when a military coup ended the absolute power of the King of Siam. So if you're looking for an excuse to eat Pad Thai and watch The King and I, well, there you go.

at 11:59 AM

Do you ever make a wish? When you blow out your birthday candles, or when you look at the clock and it says 11:11, or when you find your pendant hitting the clasp of your necklace?

Anyway, I know what my wish is going to be for the next 5 years or so. I’m going to wish that this girl makes it to professional baseball.

Katie Osburn had a .04 ERA for her junior year at Cabrini High School of Allen Park, Michigan (attn. non-baseball fans: that is absolutely astonishing). She pitched 32 shutouts, 12 of them no-hitters. She’s already committed to Miami of Ohio for college, where she will presumably continue to play softball.

I mention it because today is the 35^th anniversary of Title IX of the Educational Amendments of 1972. While I'm glad that women have made great strides in participation in athletics over the past 35 years, I think we're all still waiting for women to be taken seriously as professional athletes. I don't know if women will ever break into professional football, but I feel like baseball is a sport where size matters less, and is thus more likely to accommodate women players.

So keep your fingers crossed, throw some salt over your shoulder, and just generally get your OCD on for Katie Osburn.

at 7:37 AM

1. The youngest manager in professional baseball is 13 years old.
2. Calvin Murphy has 14 children; Ray Charles had 12.
3. Vera Wang's grandfather was a "war minister"
under Chiang Kai-shek.
4. Wal-Mart, Target and K-Mart all opened in 1962.
5. You have to give your social security number when applying for emergency food assistance at the Salvation Army. If you want to claim your children as dependents, you have to give their SSNs, too.
6. Mark Twain didn't like Jane Austen's work.
7. The GI Bill turned out to be a huge boon to the economy.
8. A religious service in mp3 format is called a "godcast." (I totally love that.)
9. Anna Leonowens, of Anna and the King of Siam, was born in India.
10. Bob Fosse had epilepsy.

at 9:55 PM

What Would Jane Austen Do? has learned that Emmet Hagen, aged 5 11/12, of Houston, Texas, has eaten a vegetable for the first time since he has had teeth. Witnesses say that the vegetable in question was a combination of creamed corn and canned whole kernel corn topped with ketchup, consumed at Aunt Pete's house. Hagen's parents, though thoroughly revolted by the particular combination of foodstuffs, are encouraged by the development. Researchers plan to repeat the experiment sometime in the immediate future.

at 2:53 PM

Truthfully, I'm just so excited to have any commenters at all that I'm sending you each a jar of chocolate sauce. Congratulations Ben, Sara, Emily, Matt, Angela, Letitia and John. N.B. to Ben -- you are only getting some because I like Sara so much. That was woefully inadequate smoke-blowing on your part. Once again, you find yourself riding her coattails.

MissEm, can you send your address to me at kbhagen AT gmail.com? Thanks! I know where to reach the rest of you.

Awesome picture, huh?

at 2:28 PM

Algemarin Dry Shampoo is one of my favorite things. If you get up in the morning and discover that you've waited one day too many to wash your hair, this is the stuff you use. Using it buys you an extra day (two if you count the next day as a ponytail day). Greasy-looking hair is a particular problem for me and my fellow blondes; brunettes can just get away with it longer. And it is a testament to what a bad person I am that I have gone through an entire bottle of this stuff in the last six months.

It's a little hard to find; the best price I've seen is on Amazon through Cosmetic Solutions (under the brand name "Algemarina"). At $7.99 a bottle, it's not particularly expensive, and it has saved my ass a number of times. There are other dry shampoos out there that I have not tried. I did a little research and the internet consensus was that this was the best. Psssssst and Klorane are two other brands, but they are both more expensive and get lower marks from testers.

BTW, I heard an interesting tip one time: clean your hairbrush outside so that birds can use your hair to make nests. I don't know if there's any truth to it, but I've been doing it anyway. Does anybody know if birds really do this?

at 6:42 PM

Today is Seersucker Day in Washington, D.C. This is so awesome, I'm just speechless. I LOVE it when men wear seersucker suits in the summer. Next year I am so getting in on this. Maybe we can make it nationwide. Here's one picture; there's more, plus a story, at ABC. And some of the men were reportedly wearing pink socks! Can you stand it?!

at 5:16 PM

I'm posting this viral video for two reasons: first, as a service to parents who read this blog, because I think your kids will get a kick out of it. Second, because I never thought of just eating crepes (which is what he's really making) with only sea salt and lemon juice. Doesn't that sound yummy?

Oh, and a pox on the first commenter who says, "Yeah, I saw that, like, 6 months ago."

at 2:34 AM

antiquated phrases ripe for a comeback:

all wet
blockhead
cat’s pajamas
don't take any wooden nickels
a good egg
fellow traveler
greenback
hoss
ish kabibble
JD
killjoy (and, for that matter, Kilroy)
lollygagger
mollycoddle
necking
Old Scratch
peachy
quizling
rag-a-muffin
scram
tarted up
urchin
vapors
making whoopee
to the max
yard ape
zinger

Got any other suggestions?

at 12:05 PM

Watching (with his hands over his eyes)

Listening to

at 1:03 AM

That's right, bitches -- 100 posts! I had a whole Thing planned -- the Prosecco is chilling; the white peach purée is ready to go -- but it has been postponed until someone whose initials are Letitia Van Campen* is back in town to help celebrate.

Instead, since I am all about giving, I am going to give something away to a lucky commenter. If you are Encyclopedia Brown, you may have already figured out that I am giving away a jar of Somebody's Mother's Chocolate Sauce, pictured below. This stuff is so good it should be illegal. But while I'm still able to ship it across state lines, here's how you win: leave a comment on this post, and pick a number between one and one hundred. (Don't forget to blow smoke up my ass about how much you love my blog. That part is key.) Whoever picks the number closest to the number I've written down will be the lucky winner.

*Ha! Now a Google search for your name will always turn up my shitty blog.

at 12:01 AM

Being an incredibly lazy writer, I love blog memes. Ten On Tuesday brings us "10 Favorite Movies to Quote." It's so hard to narrow it down to 10! Here goes...

1. The Princess Bride (by far the most popular answer in this meme)
2. Gone With The Wind "I don't know how I come to tell such a lie..."
3. Bull Durham "You lolligag your way around to first base..."
4. Blues Brothers "How much for the little girl?"
5. Steel Magnolias "They'd probably make me eat a live chicken!/Not on your first visit."
6. Ferris Bueller's Day Off "the sausage king of Chicago"
7. Used Cars "That's too fucking much!"
8. Patton "We are not holding on to anything. Let the Hun do that."
9. The Right Stuff "Who's the best pilot you ever saw?"
10. Little Big Man "You go down there..."

And you, my blogging friends, can consider yourselves TAGGED. If you don't have a blog, leave it in the comments.

at 6:57 PM

In my opinion, there is no such thing as TMI. I want to know everything about everyone. I won't lie and say that everyone is interesting, but by God if you ask them to tell you something that's "TMI," I guarantee it will perk up the conversation. In fact, that's what I'm going to do next time anyone starts talking to me about his pets.

So my new favorite thing about Tuesdays is this blog, TMI Tuesday. It will get me through the week until the PostSecret updates on Sundays.

By the way, you will be relieved to know that I will not be participating in TMI Tuesdays. I doubt that there is much demand, really. But definitely go to the blog and check out other people's posts.

at 9:23 AM

Five Things No One Should Have Said Last Night

1. "I'll have a drink first and dinner later."
2. "Put Qualls in."
3. "Another margarita, please."
4. "I have faith in the bullpen."
5. "Safe!"

at 4:30 AM

Reading

Watching

Listening to

at 5:09 PM

And let me just say that I hope you have many, many more.

I love the way Roger Ebert writes about movies. He's interested in film as an art form, but he never loses sight of the fact that movies are supposed to be entertaining. He will rip a film to shreds if it fails on that count.

Obviously, I have to celebrate this (and freedom) by going to the movies tonight. But I've already seen Knocked Up. Do you think Papi Chulo wants to see La Vie En Rose?

Amazingly enough, tomorrow is Pauline Kael's birthday.

at 11:11 AM

Reading

Watching

Listening to

at 11:06 AM

I went to BC for Father's Day (even though Daddy was in Waco at a shooting tournament). The best thing that happened was when Nonnie said she wanted to take the kiddos for the week. SUCKA!!! How long do you think it took me to agree to that? Mw'hahahahaha (evil laughter).

Oh, man, no kids for a WEEK! What am I gonna do first?

at 7:47 AM

Big Daddy Drew is the best writer on the internet. You can find his musings at Kissing Suzy Kolber, a group NFL blog. Last year at this time he posted on his personal blog (which he has since stopped writing) an itinerary for his first Father's Day. It was one of the funniest things I've ever read. But why should fathers have all the fun? I present my plans for next year on Mother's Day:

Big Daddy Drew	Mamacita
7:00AM – Baby cries. Someone who is not me tends to it.	Roll over; discover papi chulo is sleeping in cot next to bed so as not to crowd me.
9:00AM – Mrs. Drew wakes me up while wearing the uniform of a service industry employee of my choosing. I’m thinking a 1920’s speakeasy cigarette girl. It’s eccentric, yet boneriffic.	Wake up, discover extra wing has been added to house for my own personal dressing room/ bathroom/ closet/ dungeon.
9:01AM – Hot monkey sex.	Hot monkey sex.
9:15AM – Shower.	Shower.
9:37AM – Watch news. Find out Brett Favre has been killed in a hunting accident. Cry hot tears of joy.	Shop online at Kiki de Montparnasse. Buy one of everything.
9:38AM – Play with the Girl until tired of doing so.	Children appear and demonstrate complete knowledge of Spanish and Trigonometry.
9:45AM – Tired of doing so.	(9:39 a.m.) Demonstration over.
9:46AM – Greet in-laws at the door and hand the Girl over to them. Bye, Girl!	(9:40 a.m.) Send kids to play at neighbors’ house for next 36 hours.
9:47AM – Bong hit.	Bellini.
10:00AM – Eggs.	Eggs Benedict, motherfucker.
10:10AM – Boooooooooong hit.	Rest of pitcher of Bellinis
10:30AM – Limo ride to Dave & Buster’s, where I down three boilermakers and beat the living shit out of a random 15-year-old at Pop-A-Shot. Yell to everyone, “I’m the Daddy here, bitches!”	Limo ride to Sephora. Discover new superpower: ability to vaporize teenyboppers with my eyes. Spare one teenybopper who has babysitter potential.
11:10AM – Limo ride to airport. Drink a bottle of Cristal. Listen to “Master of Puppets” in its entirety, singing both the vocal and guitar parts. Come up with the idea for a cologne that smells like gunfire. Call my brother to have it patented. Develop marketing plan to sell it exclusively in nightclubs in downtown Houston, Atlanta, and Miami. Call venture capitalist. Secure a $100 million investment.	Discover cures for epilepsy, arthritis. Sell to highest pharmaceutical bidder. Deposit check; have Tom Stoppard write Nobel acceptance speech.
11:35AM – Have limo pull over. Have hot monkey sex on the shoulder.	Have limo pull over. Hot monkey sex on the shoulder.
12:00PM – Private Concorde to Atlantis in the Bahamas. Drink three Stoli & grapefruits while watching the in-flight movie, which is the first 40 minutes of “Full Metal Jacket”, followed by the first 20 minutes of “Saving Private Ryan”. Fucking. Awesome.	Meet friends aboard Citation X bound for Switzerland. Watch Out of Africa. Cry. Laugh. Braid each other’s hair.
1:04PM – Smoke a bowl.	Peruse Oprah’s Favorite Things.
1:05PM – Spontaneously orgasm.	Keep the cashmere and chocolate; give rest to sisters.
1:10PM – Land. Limo to casino. Hit blackjack table. Immediately go up $250,000.	Land. Limo to spa on Lake Como. Massage.
1:42PM – Russell Crowe enters the casino. Sits down next to me. Tells me he’s a huge fan of my work and wishes he were more like me. Rubs my thigh and tells me I’m the first man he’s ever been gay for.	Blowout.
1:43PM – Slap the shit out of Russell Crowe. Get another $50,000 in chips compliments of the casino bellhop staff.	Mani/Pedi.
2:00PM – Late lunch. Two five pound lobsters. Entire smoked salmon. Gallon of beluga caviar. Bottle of Dalmore.	Late lunch composed entirely of antipasti. More Bellinis.
2:45PM – Escorted to private suite with Mrs. Drew.	Meet George Clooney at his place on the lake.
2:59PM – Act out entire sequences from the movie “Night Trips,” starring the legendary Tori Welles.	Act out sequences from Unfaithful.
4:29PM – Shower. Play with myself, just to mix things up a bit.	Shower. Have sex with Brazilian cheerleader, just to mix things up a bit.
4:45PM – Limo back to airport. Private Concorde to New York City. Turn on satellite television to watch the World Cup. Find out soccer has been preempted by highlights of the Vikings 31-17 playoff win at Lambeau Field two years ago, the one where Randy Moss pretends to take a shit on the field. Except, in this version, Moss really does take a shit on the field, and then Joe Buck dies on the air in a hail of gunfire.	Fly back to New York; limo ride to Yankee stadium. Watch Roy Oswalt throw interleague no-hitter. See Alex Rodriguez cry.
6:00PM – Land in Manhattan. Limo ride to Hudson Hotel. Get fitted for a suit by the very finest Italian tailor while in the car. Inhale entire nitrous oxide tank.	Check into The Carlyle. Roll around naked on the fancy sheets.
6:30PM – Arrive at Hudson Hotel Bar. Bouncer looks at guest list. I am the only name on the list. Enter the bar and instruct bouncer to bring me headshots of people who would like to get in for my approval.	Head down to Bemelmans Bar. Drinks with the Ladies… Agree to judge Hump Day Hotties Pageant.
6:49PM – Approve of no one. Get fucking drunk.	Meet with head of US (tennis) Open, David Stern. They agree to bring back short shorts.
8:00PM – Dinner at Per Se. Thomas Keller comes to our table, tells me he’s a huge fan. Offers complimentary foie gras, fellatio. I take the former.	Dinner at Four Seasons with Kurt Andersen and Tina Fey. Discuss plans to bring back Spy.
9:43PM – Helicopter ride back home. Ask pilot to hover five feet off the ground in select areas. Use long-range hunting rifle and night scope to gun down cats at random.	Helicopter ride back home. See that all cats in neighborhood have been dressed up in costumes for my amusement.
10:30PM – Pick up the Girl. She smiles at me, laughs a little, and then falls asleep.	Smell a baby’s head. Am glad it’s not my baby.
10:45PM – Limo ride home.	Limo ride home
11:00PM – Tuck in Girl.	Tantric yoga
11:01PM – Hot monkey sex in front of mirror. I look good.	Hot monkey sex in front of mirror. I look good.
11:15PM – Turn on news. Find out Osama bin Laden, Paris Hilton, and Jimmy Fallon all died. Drink a bottle of Cabernet in celebration.	Turn on news. Find out Christian Lacroix is producing a line for Target. Pint of Rum Raisin ice cream in celebration.
11:29PM – Leave witty comment on deadspin.com that only I find funny.	Leave witty comment on KSK that only I find funny.
11:30PM – Kiss Mrs. Drew good night. Throw massive kegger.	Kiss Papi Chulo goodnight. Host Sassy reunion party. Jump on trampoline.
7:00AM – Sleep well, Big Drew. You are truly the king of kings.	Sleep well, Mamacita. You rule most things.

at 12:33 PM

1. This year, for the first time, men and women players at Wimbledon will be paid the same prizes in singles and in doubles . Up through last year, women made less than men in singles as well as doubles.

2. Last year the French Open paid women and men in singles the same prizes for the first time, but waited until this year for parity in doubles prizes.

3. Queen Elizabeth I of England has her own website. You can even choose your language: Commonwealth English or American English.

4. Carlo was a rat!

5. Ethiopia has its own calendar, and the current year is 1999.

6. Pope Gregory XVI condemned railroads as "the roads to hell."

7. Flag Day is not a federal holiday.

8. Jose Lima is pitching in the Mexican league.

9. Lisa Lampanelli worked at Spy. (Spy: The Funny Years, print only)

10. The Director of Financial Aid at UT-Austin took kickbacks from lenders.

at 11:55 AM

So, how does one celebrate Bloomsday? Eat a cheese sandwich? Commit adultery?

Yeah, I'll probably just have a Bailey's milkshake.

How are you celebrating?

at 11:35 AM

So you're all just DYING to know what happened to me yesterday. Obviously the forces of evil conspired to keep me from blogging. Or maybe an electrical storm wreaked havoc upon our internet service, but that's a boring answer. I'm back now, baby!

In other site/slacker news, I decided that on Sundays I will run a single, long-ass post instead of your usual three courses of delight. Presumably you like quantity over quality, or you wouldn't be wasting your time here in the first place.

at 6:31 PM

1. a nap
2. a Garibaldi biscuit
3. a cup of milk
4. chocolate
5. revenge

Like 5ives?

at 8:08 AM

Today is the birthday of John Bartlett, he of Bartlett's Familiar Quotations. It's also the birthday of my Aunt Linda, who, like me, keeps a list of her favorite quotes. In honor of their birthdays, here are some from my collection. Feel free to add your own in the comments.

What other people think of me is none of my business. -- Rupaul

I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've always worked for me. -- Hunter S. Thompson

In the afterlife, we will sit around talking about the good old days when we wished we were dead. -- Samuel Beckett

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe. -- Carl Sagan

If you torture data sufficiently, it will confess to almost anything. -- Fred Menger

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to. -- W. C. Fields

Nothing is a waste of time when you use experience wisely. --Auguste Rodin

Have faith and pursue the unknown end. -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.

To be interested in the changing seasons is…a happier state of mind than to be hopelessly in love with spring. -- George Santayana

at 12:07 AM

expressions that have different meanings in the U.S. and Britain.

ace
bonk
cracking
duck
engaged
flog
geezer
honking
instant sunshine
jammy
knock up
lolly
mush
nut
off colour
pear shaped
queer
read
sod
takeaway
underground
vest
wobbler
y-fronts
...................................................................zebra crossing

More here and here.

at 6:26 PM

Brooklyn Goldsmith is just about the cutest thing ever. She is an organic gardener, and she sells her produce at the Bridge City Farmers' Market. There is a story about her at the Penny Record site.

at 12:02 AM

Mike really got me started this time -- I love magazines. I'm almost as bad with them as I am with reading blogs.

I subscribe to The New Yorker, Vogue, Everyday Food, Domino, Cookie, and Martha Stewart Living. I would like to add Budget Travel, Blueprint, Cook's Illustrated, Dwell, Elle Decor, House and Garden, Lucky, and Town and Country.

The kids get Highlights, and I recently started sending American Girl to my niece, Reilly. I also like the Cricket family of children's magazines, but I haven't started the kids on them yet.

It's true that the greatest magazine of all time was Sassy, and I'm glad I was there for it. I wish I had been around for Flair. My first subscription was to YM, back when it was Young Miss (a title that cracks me up today). As a teenager I was also a fan of Life, Texas Monthly, Seventeen, and Mother Jones. Obviously I'm now a very frivolous person; otherwise I might be interested in something of substance, like Art in America, The Economist, or even The New York Times Book Review.

Instead I read my mom's Real Simple; I read O at Home, Veranda, Traditional Home, and Southern Accents at the bookstore. Martha Stewart Weddings is also great for inspiration in general. W has terrific articles -- the fashion industry at its bitchiest -- but the fashion itself is uninspiring. I used to read Allure until I realized I was way too susceptible to buying the products they suggested.

Working Mother makes me want to kill myself. Parenting and Parents are both kind of dull. I tried to read Money and Smart Money, but I don't have enough actual money to implement much of their advice. Bitch is okay, but a little too preachy. I might try Bust again, but I'm really not into Chloë Sevigny as a feminist icon, and they, too, veer toward the humorless. (Thumbs up for the "One-Handed Read," though.)

As for Mike's question, what these subscriptions say about me is that I'm a consumerist whore. Oh well.

I've name-checked a whole bunch of magazines here; are there any good ones I'm missing?

at 12:01 AM

Reading

Watching

Listening to

at 8:07 PM

Charles Harper was an illustrator known for his stylized depictions of wildlife. A new retrospective book of his work, Charley Harper: An Illustrated Life is coming out soon, edited by none other than Todd Oldham. However, that book is a massively large hardback, selling for $126.

I have been looking out for an earlier work by Harper, The Giant Golden Book of Biology, which came out in the 1960s. It's a children's book. I would love to find one in Granny's attic, but I'm not really hopeful. And if anybody finds one, I'm pretty sure it's worth more than $126.

Anyway, Mr. Harper died Sunday at the age of 84. The good news is that he was working right up until he contracted pneumonia a few months ago. But the bad news -- and I don't mean to be callous here -- is that his death isn't getting me any closer to finding that Golden Book.

at 12:54 PM

In reality, if you send your kid to art camp, you should send her in shorts and a t-shirt of no value whatsoever, with closed-toe shoes made for the playground. However, these two weeks of art camp have been a fashion show.
One girl was wearing these darling gold star sandals from Gymboree today (they were cuter in person).

Yesterday another girl wore the most adorable blue pinwale cord shift dress with empire waist and white crochet cap sleeves. I can't find a picture of it, though; I think it's from last year.

Kerchiefs aren't as popular as they were a few years ago; now the wide headband is having its moment. It's a little weird to realize that Rachel Zoe's influence trickles this far down!

at 9:52 AM

Reading

Playing

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at 5:56 PM

I signed up for an internet swap. My swap partner lives in Christchurch, New Zealand. I'm thinking of things to send her. Any ideas?

* Yeah, I already thought of sending E&B. But it would cost a fortune to send them, and I'd probably be accused of international terrorism.

at 11:47 AM

Angela and Mike have both made abecedaries of their own, and I enjoyed the heck out of them. If you make one, would you please post a link in the comments? That would be awesome.

BTW, this image, "Vanishing Wildlife: An Abecedary of the World's Endangered Species" is available as a poster here. I think it would be pretty cool for a kid's room, no?

at 9:26 AM

Reading

Watching

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at 5:11 PM

Pandora is about the coolest thing I've seen in a while. They make a whole radio station for you based on whatever artist you input. Right now I'm listening to a station based on the Commodores. I wouldn't say it's perfect -- their version of the Commodores is a little too disco, I think -- but it's a cool idea. If you want to add me to your "bookmarked people," you'll find me using kbhagen AT gmail DOT com. Image source.

at 8:03 AM

Let me repeat that for those of you in the back:

I GOT CARDED! Buying a Coke!

I was at Spec's yesterday and I needed to buy a Coke to fortify myself as I browsed (the place is enormous). Anyway, I got up to the cashier and we had this conversation:

Cashier: "Are you 21?"
mamacita: "I'm just buying a Coke."
Cashier: "This is a liquor store; you gotta be 21 to buy anything in here."
mamacita, with huge shit-eating grin: "Oh. Well, I'm 31, actually. But thanks for asking."

Man, that hyperbaric chamber was so worth it!

at 3:53 AM

1. The Silent Sentinels were a group of women who protested in front of the White House, day and night for two full years, for the cause of women's suffrage.

2. The Bionic Woman is coming back to t.v. this fall in a remake.

3. Actor and senator Fred Thompson was co-chief counsel to the Senate Watergate Committee.

4. There is a saying about weather, "When pigs carry sticks, the clouds will play tricks."

5. Frank Gehry owns a "Fuck Frank Gehry" t-shirt. (The New Yorker, print only)

6. In Chinese lore, dragons don't breathe fire.

7. Gunter Grass was a member of the Waffen-SS.

8. Roy Oswalt wasn't selected until the 23rd round of the 1996 draft.

9. There is an 8.5% chance that Barry Bonds won't break Hank Aaron's home run record this year.

10. The Swiss guard has undercover officers. (But why would anyone pass up those FABULOUS uniforms?)

at 11:30 AM

For a project I'm working on:

What books do you remember from your parents' library? Not children's books -- the first adult books you remember taking an interest in. Maybe there was an atlas you used, or maybe a book of Civil War photography... a poetry book, a cookbook, an art book... anything that introduced you to something you might have otherwise missed.

Give me some ideas in the Comments. Thanks!