What Would Jane Austen Do?

Have you ever thought to yourself, 'I need some brandy, but I also really need a bottle in the shape of an AK-47'? Spec's is the first place to look.

because I went there last night and bought almost 2 liters of Costco-brand Vodka for $11. And a full tank of gas at $2.09 per gallon. Oh, yeah . If they sold ammo they would be PERFECT.

Just wanted to point out that it's time to pull out your DVD. This is a great year for the bonus track, too: You're Not Elected, Charlie Brown . If you are somehow bereft of this autumn classic in your home, you can also watch it at Amazon Video On Demand . [But seriously, you need the whole Peanuts Holiday Collection in your life.]

DSC_0102 , originally uploaded by Foodmomiac . No matter what your age, you make it sexy .

Posted on The FAIL Blog as "Helen Keller Actress Fail." (44 seconds long)

"are you thinking right now, 'if only there were a metal ballad sung by puppets... and if only it had bizarre political/sexual puns...' prepare to be baracked ."

Feeling MIGHTY STABBY.

That's what I am now -- a pillar of salt. When the J. Crew catalog came, I KNEW better than to look. Especially once I saw the cover -- metallic ballet flats . Le sigh .

And I LOVE getting blog awards. Actually, Susannah gave me my first the other day, and News Readin' Wife gave me my first-that-isn't-in-Portuguese today. Thanks y'all. I am such a whore. 1. Where is your cell phone? Next to me on the bed. 2. Where is your significant other? Work 3. Your hair color? Blonde. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. 4. Your mother? is my hero. 5. Your father? also awesome. 6. Your favorite thing? fresh sheets on the bed. 7. Your dream last night? don't remember . 8. Your dream/goal? uh... 9. The room you're in? bedroom 10. Your hobby? Reading 11. Your fear? I would never acknowledge one. 12. Where do you want to be in six years? I just calculated how old my kids will be in six years, and didn't even think about how old I'll be. 13. Where were you last night? somewhat hostile PTA meeting at Taco Cabana, wondering where I went wrong in life. 14. What you’re not? Trustworthy, Loyal, Helpful, Friendly, Courteous, Kin...

Metal Twig Decorative Bowl Metal Pinecone Bowl (I assure you it's cuter in person) If either of these items goes on sale at Target, would one of you please let me know immediately? Thanks much.

You are a total hoser if you don’t dress up for Halloween. Granted, I haven’t dressed up in a few years, but I am about to change that this year. I have an idea … but it’s a surprise! Actually, I have lots of Halloween ideas. I’ve put together a few sample ideas for some of my favorite bloggers. If you find yourself in need of inspiration, send me a link to your blog, or just describe what you’re doing on Halloween night, and I’ll give you a hand. Emily and Rob : Alice and Ralph Kramden ! Soletrain : ODB . Wouldn’t you pay money to see Uncle John wearing a grill? Anyway, I’m sure he already has the outfit. He just needs to accessorize with a 40. Bunny Tomerlin : Goth princess . Because I bet she’s never even worn PVC. (Polyvore set via Haley ) Grosgrain Garage : preppy Jesus – Bonnanos, tunic with gingham trim and a ribbon belt, pearls worn as a thorny crown Megan: Now that she's succumbed to making wreaths , Mega...

In honor of Rosh Hashanah, and breaking the fast of Yom Kippur, I present Grandma Shirley Crackers. Grandma Shirley is my Aunt Linda's stepmother-in-law, so we're totally related. Actually, I keep thinking I need some more Jewish friends. Those people can cook (see Smitten Kitchen , Foodmomiac , et. al.), and, from what I hear, can hold their own in a bar. How was I born an Episcopalian ? Grandma Shirley Crackers* 20 graham crackers 1 c butter 1 c brown sugar 1 c chopped almonds 1 c chopped pecans Line a rimmed baking sheet with foil and arrange graham crackers evenly on the surface. Combine butter, sugar, and nuts in a saucepan and bring to a foamy boil on the stovetop. Spoon the mixture over the graham crackers. Bake crackers at 350 for 8 minutes – they will get foamy again. Remove from oven and let sit for 15-20 minutes before serving. Crackers will be even better on the second day. *Not made from Grandma Shirleys.

One of the privileges of being a stone-cold dork is getting to laugh at Dr. Demento songs. And the legacy continues -- one of Emmet's favorite songs is "Amish Paradise." That's my boy *sniffle*. So, for those of you who can appreciate the likes of They Might Be Giants, I introduce Da Vinci's Notebook, which I found via Kottke . There's "The Title of This Song," a take-off on boy bands; "My Enormous Penis;" and for ye wearers of the green, " Irish Drinking Song ."

Reading Watching Listening to

I love Caller ID. Wanna ask me some stupid question about the Fall Festival? Pass! Wanna know which radio stations I listen to? Talk to the hand! There are about 6 people in the world whose calls I will take. (Including yours, of course .) Otherwise, you can meet my friend, Ms. Voice Mail. She is a cold hearted bitch. I love Caller ID so much I want to make love to it and have its babies. They would be half human and half machine, but I would raise them as human. Of course, they would be Mathletes, so everyone would suspect something was up, but I'd never tell. I'd have fights with Caller ID's mom (Ma Bell) all the time about whether or not the babies would be digitized, and when the babies would come visit her in Florida. But Ma Bell is a bitch anyway, and I'd get to do what I wanted. But Caller ID would never leave my side, and would worship me as a goddess no matter what. Get your own decoupaged floral caller id box here .

In honor of the dawn of National Breast Cancer Awareness Month, many bloggers are posting "pink" today. As a cynic, I have to do the post in my own way. And so for My New Favorite Blog this week, I present Think Before You Pink : Think Before You Pink, a project of Breast Cancer Action, launched in 2002 in response to the growing concern about the overwhelming number of pink ribbon products and promotions on the market. The campaign calls for more transparency and accountability by companies that take part in breast cancer fundraising, and encourages consumers to ask critical questions about pink ribbon promotions.

Aaaahhctober. How glad I am to see you. The folks at NaBloPoMo have declared the theme for October to be "Vote." To which I say, "Meh." Enough with all that. In light of recent events, I hereby declare that the theme for October is "Things That Do Not Suck." Feel free to play along at home. Write in and nominate something that Does Not Suck. Or post on your own blog about something that Does Not Suck. So without further ado, I would like to take this opportunity to nominate one thing that Does Not Suck: the pumpkin spice latte at Starbucks. What's better than pumpkin pie? CAFFEINATED pumpkin pie, that's what. [Wanna rant about independent coffee shops, or about responsible spending? Go suck an egg.] Photo via the lovely Third Coast Preppy .