What Would Jane Austen Do?

I don't know if this is the same one. Over at Collector's Weekly there is a post today about Vinegar Valentines. I never heard of them before today, but I think that must be what my Grandmother received one year as a kid. She told me that her maternal grandmother gave her a Valentine that said something about being an Old Maid. It broke her little heart so much that she remembered it decades later. Can you even imagine doing such a thing to a little girl? And listen, my Grandmother was no pansy, either. Just in case you ever thought that the Internet invented rudeness. HT: Sarah Pavis @ Kottke

I'm going to have to unfollow some people today. 1. A picture of a cup of tea sitting on a bare, painted table--why did you even pin that? It's just a stupid cup of tea. Yes, you're so very pure of heart and unmaterialistic. SIMPLIFY, as your innumerable wall hangings say. 2. Equal and opposite: freeze-ahead Chicken Bacon Ranch Casserole sounds hella-gross. 3. Who the fuck buys dryer sheets*? And why would I want to know any "other" uses for them? *If it's you: stop it immediately. 4. Thanks for sharing your "Inspiration" board full of celebrity misquotes, but I evidently know more about men, love and life than you will ever learn. I'm sure there are more. What are your Pinterest pet peeves? Follow me, if you like.

I'm shamelessly copying this from my friend Terri at A Girl in the South . SOPA is bad, m'kay? However, I'm not going on strike, because ... who suffers from that besides me? It seems to me that we would only be striking against ourselves, which is kinda nuts. Also, I don't know if I can get through a day without the Internet. Because Censorship Is Never Okay No recipes for Wednesday. In solidarity and protest against  SOPA  and  PIPA , A Girl in the South is joining the big wigs of the internets like  Reddit ,  Wikipedia ,  Boing Boing  and hundreds (if not thousands) of other sites and blogs by going on strike tomorrow, January 18th from 8:00 am to 8:00 pm. SOPA (Stop Online Piracy Act) could have a devastating effect on numerous websites, even little ones like ourselves. We are taking a stand against Censorship and urging everyone to educate themselves on this bill and contact your representatives if you agree that SOPA is a really ba...

1. THIS ^. 2a. My desk is essentially in the office lunchroom. That means I get to smell everything that everyone in the office eats. Most people are considerate of this, but one person is not. Last week for lunch she had garlic-dipped garlic sticks in garlic sauce. I had to leave the building. 2b. People keep leaving shit to rot in the refrigerator that sits 2 feet from my elbow. 2c. There are also numerous discussions of the condiment that dare not speak its name. 3. Sometimes the effort to avoid f-bombs is so great, I think I might sprain something. I know I shouldn't bitch, because I'm lucky to have a job. BUT BITCH I WILL. On the plus side: 1. I get adorable art projects from preschoolers all the time. 2. I get to see my friend Cayce all the time. 3. Old ladies bring us brownies all the time.

I used to like Norm McDonald. I thought he was very funny on SNL ; I thought they were wrong to run him off. I usually like his stand-up routines. But Norm's new show, Sports Show with Norm McDonald , grates my nerves. 80% of his set list falls into two categories: 1) "hoo-boy that Tiger Woods sure is a hound dog;" 2) women's sports are dumb. As far as the former goes -- well, everyone struggles for material, I guess. But the latter really pisses me off. His basic -- I should say "base" -- idea is that no one wants to watch women's sports, and the sports are therefore useless. Fuck you, Norm McDonald. People watch women play different sports than what they watch men play, but the ratings for some women's sports are better than those for their male counterparts. Norm, I think it's high time Serena Williams send you the way of historical footnote Bobby Riggs.

Reading Somehow this exceeded even my high expectations. It's absolutely wonderful. Reading I swear to God I'm ready to grab a pitchfork and storm the castle. Reading I'm recommending this book to everyone. I love the way they write, and the things they cook. The recipes are entirely down-to-earth, but not in a Sandra Lee-way: you will actually want to cook these things. Their blog will give you an idea of what they like to make.

Gothamist LLC closed their site, Houstonist , today. As far as I was concerned, Houstonist created some of the most useful (and certainly unique, and most definitely updated) content on the Internet. I have always thought that the one place the magic interwebs sometimes fail to deliver was on information to be used in, you know, the fleshy world. To me, Houstonist did a good job of bridging that gap. I'm still not sure how this was anything but a good deal for Gothamist: there were certainly ads on the pages, and page views. It appears that the site was built on the same code base that they already had -- and continue to use -- for their other sites. Contributors to the site were not paid. So in spite of steady income, minimal expenses and free labor, Gothamist couldn't turn a profit? I guess it doesn't matter now. So long, Houstonist. My thanks and best wishes to you all.

Lindy West's review of Sex and the City 2 in The Stranger .

There is a rumor going around that Bravo is casting a Real Housewives series for Houston. I'm a housewife in Houston! Well, at least as much as any of those other broads. So this is what I'm going to wear to the audition -- tell me what you think: Houston Barbie by Mamacita Items in this set: Cotton Twill Blazer , $34 Red Bow Pocket Skirt , 14 GBP The less work you have to do, the more professional you have to look, of course. Yolanda 120 patent pump , $660 Just your basic errand-running shoes. Nothing too high. 18K White Gold & Diamond Extra Large Hoops , $4,730 Houston Barbie will describe these as "simple, elegant." 1/2ct Diamond Cross Pendant | Overstock.com , $390 Jesus comes first in my life. Jesus and shiny things. It goes without saying: "simple, elegant" French manicure, Big Sexy Hair hairspray, and an "elegant" little trowel for putting on your makeup. It's modeled after my favorite Houston Barbie, Victoria Osteen . [Just bec...

3:12 PM Papi : Yo. me : yo sounds like they had pretty good days Papi : Yay me : although becca evidently flipped some kids off 3:13 PM she got in trouble Papi : ?? Does she even know what that means? me : ms. cook believed her when she said she didn't know what it means she asked me when we got home Papi : Ms Cook believed her? Wow me : yeah, surprisingly enough. I said it means "I hate you" and it's very very rude then becca wrote me a note apologizing for making the gesture to me Papi : Ummm don't say it means I hate you, or she will start flipping everyone off. 3:14 PM me : yeah, but how do I explain the other? "What does 'fuck you' mean, Momma?" Papi : good point

So what did you today? I bet you didn't go to any pig races. I had to chaperone Emmet's field trip to the Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo today. It was not a roaring success -- too crowded, for one thing. But hey, pig races. I could have watched these chicks all day. I saw one chick pop its way out of the shell. There were several others lying on the table, and I thought they weren't going to make it, but when we walked by later they were all moving. Inside AGventure, there were tons of FFA kids hanging out with their livestock and running booths for the cattle industry, the dairy industry, etc. This is a great display about the products made from cows. Look kids, Bessie will make so many useful things -- like herbicide! Emmet's favorite part of the entire rodeo was riding the tram back and forth to the parking lot. We spent about an hour and a half doing that a few times. He knows how to show a lady a good time.

Ram Van , originally uploaded by houston mamacita . This guy is always in my office on Wednesday mornings. I thought he needed a rainbow heart to complete the look.

Every damn time , originally uploaded by houston mamacita . I suppose I would lose my purpose in life if anyone else ever replaced it.

My kids didn't get to watch the Commandant's President's speech this morning, because their teachers felt like they couldn't give up any valuable instruction worksheet-shuffling time. This made Papi pretty hot under the collar, so we sat the kids down this afternoon and made them drink the Kool-Aid watch the speech. It really was an excellent talk -- important socialist ideas communicated to children in an effective way. I think the President should brainwash address schoolchildren at the beginning of every year. Seems like a good way to pass on communist patriotic values. But in case your children didn't catch it, here is the video of the speech .

I'm here to give you bad news: there is going to be a sequel to Big Momma's House 2 . But I'll let my personal hero, Amelie Gillette, take it from here : Since 2006, Martin Lawrence has dutifully risen everyday at 8am, marched into his temperature-controlled walk-in closet, and Febrezed "Big Momma," the bulbous fat suit he wore in Big Momma's House and Big Momma's House 2: Wider Load . "Maybe today we'll get the call," he'd whisper to the fat suit, while lifting up the mushy belly and spraying underneath. "And when they do, we'll be all fresh and ready to go, won't we, Big Momma? [in high-pitched Big Momma voice] Sho' will, Martin!" Then he'd toss the now empty bottle of Febreze into the trash, and head off to Best Buy to buy more copies of Madea's Family Reunion and Madea Goes To Jail DVDs to pile in his driveway and run over with his car. Go read it.

Regional Shift Seen in Education Gap WASHINGTON — Historically, the achievement gap between America’s black and white students was widest in Southern states, where the legacies of slavery and segregation were reflected in extremely low math and reading scores among poor African-American children. But black students have made important gains in several Southern states over two decades, while in some Northern states, black achievement has improved more slowly than white achievement, or has even declined, according to a study of the black-white achievement gap released Tuesday by the Department of Education.

You know you look like a tremendous douche, right? The jeans and flip flops say, "I plan on catching an infectious disease at Glastonbury," but the jacket says, "What time is the Pet Shop Boys concert?" and the hat says, "I like to steal hats from tiny old men." So really, Mr. Oliver, I'd choose just one statement and go with it. via Paul Smith's blog P.S. to Mr. Smith -- maybe you should stop playing with matches.

You know what you should not do EVER? Microwave a lunch of LIVER AND ONIONS and then eat it while sitting less than EIGHTEEN INCHES from your coworker. Because the smell might make said coworker both nauseated and STABBY STABBY STAB STAB STABBY.

Lighten up, buddy. Help is on the way. The fact that these financial reforms that would just so happen to benefit me is entirely a coincidence. 1. No taxes or penalties on early withdrawals from IRAs. Okay, so it could send the market into a tailspin. But given that most Americans treat money like a seven-year-old at the Chuck E. Cheese prize counter (or Mamacita at Sephora), this could only turn out for the better, right? 2. No taxes on unemployment benefits. Why are they taxed in the first place? "Hey, here's a pittance compared to what you normally make, and we still want a piece of the action." 3. Blogging subsidies. Sort of like the subsidies given to farmers not to farm, blogging subsidies would be given to Americans for not getting anything done, thus necessitating more workers, thus creating more jobs. Obvs . 4. Cancellation of all outstanding student loans. But only for people over 30. Screw those young 'uns. I think I should get time off for ...

Wrath can be so very entertaining. Here are two of my favorite purveyors of invective: 1. Matt Taibbi : So step right up and buy your " I'm SEXY enough ... to make you WAIT !" t-shirts, courtesy of the Candie's Foundation -- the pro-abstinence group whose ambassador is now America's most famous "Oh, fuck it, it feels better without the rubber" Supermom, Bristol Palin! Bonus wrath-- Tom Scocca, on Matt Taibbi: "The cheap vulgarity gets in the way of truly vile and shocking vulgarity." [via The Awl ] more Matt Taibbi : If Boris Yeltsin ever had a soul, it was not observable in his early biography. He sold out as soon as he could and was his whole life a human appendage of a rotting, corrupt state, a crook who would emerge even from the hottest bath still stinking of booze, concrete and sausage. 2. Amelie Gillette, on one of my pet subjects : Thomas Kinkade, noted maker of visual Muzak, recently teamed up with his best friend God to scam two ...