Tuesday, August 5, 2008

The Real Housewives of Atlanta

Oh, joy. Bravo has brought us another edition of Real Housewives. This time they’re in HOTlanta. This crew has more in common with the OC ladies than the NYC ladies. The series is set in a number of gated communities that we shall call “The Land that Taste Forgot.” SGM will be bringing you the episode recaps this fall, but first, let’s meet the cast:

(from left to right)

Lisa Wu Hartwell

OC Equivalent: Vicki

Hi! I’m Lisa Wu Hartwell! I’m a real estate agent/ entrepreneur/ jewelry designer/ children’s clothing designer/ model/ actress/ writer! I’m so busy with my seven careers, husband in the NFL, and three children that I pass off to a nanny! OMG I’m so popular and accomplished! Suck it, Kimora Lee!

DeShawn Snow

NYC equivalent: Francois

Hi! I want everyone to know that I’m sweet, even though I’m as dumb as a box of rocks. My husband makes a whole lot of money as an NBA player. I’m trying to hire a nanny, governess, chef, maids and whatever else. But first I have to hire a household manager to do all that stuff for me. I need to leave myself plenty of time to stare off into space vacantly. Oh, and I have a charity foundation and stuff. I want to instill self-esteem in teenage girls. Because … it’s important to have self-esteem. You have to esteem yourself even if you’re kind of a waste of human cells.

Kim Zolciak

OC equivalent: Jo's career interests and Lauri's work ethic

Don’t I look like Carrie Underwood? I’m gonna be a singer, too. This mean lady at the studio was all, “well, you need to work on your singing,” and I was all, “WHATEVER. What does my singin’ have to do with it?” ‘Cause I already took a whole bunch of pictures in slutty outfits for my album cover and stuff.

At home it’s tough because it’s all on me, as a single parent. I have to be the one to teach my daughters how to whore themselves out for luxury goods. Nobody else is around to teach them that. I have to do all that on top of spending six hours a day getting my hair done.

My boyfriend is “Big Papa.” He’s so ashamed of me that he won’t even let me use his name on the show. That’s probably also ‘cause he’s still married and stuff, but WHATEVER, ‘cause you know he really loves me. Look at all the stuff he buys me. We’re gonna get married one day, I just know it.

One thing I don’t understand, though, is why all these other women keep whispering “token bitch” behind my back. What does that mean anyway?

NeNe Leakes

NYC Equivalent: Maybe Jill, though you’ll tire of her much quicker.

GIRL, I learned how to talk from Ellen Cleghorne’s characters on Saturday Night Live. GIRL, I am easily the most down-to-earth of this crew, though that isn’t saying much. GIRL, I am the only one on this show with a goddamn bit of sense, but my voice will sound like fingernails on a chalkboard within two minutes. And GIRL, I don't believe in bras. GIRL.

Shereé Whitfield

NYC Equivalent: Ramoner all the way, topped with a dollop of LuAnn's haughtiness

My name is Sha-RAY Whitfield, and I am the craziest housewife of them all. I believe that men are men are intimidated by me because I am an “accomplished woman.” Getting divorced from an NBA player is a big accomplishment. I want you to know (within the first 60 seconds of meeting you) that I am looking for a lump sum settlement in this divorce.

It's also good for you to know that I live to pick fights with other women. Let me just tell you, I will cut a bitch.


photo courtesy of Reality TV World

7 comments:

  1. BRILLIANT! Every single bit.

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  2. Listen to sgm. She knows whereof she speaks.

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  3. i'm still waiting on Real Houswives of Arkansas Trailer Park...

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  4. I love it. All 100% true. These "ladies" are a joke and their husbands/exes/"big papas" are fools.

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  5. haha. this was fabulous.
    i love this series.
    thanks for the back story.
    this should be a good one.
    have you already seen some episodes??
    ooxoxoxo,
    jessi

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  6. I'm still waiting for a camera crew to show up and record me ironing all day.

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  7. Amen.

    I watched the promo this weekend.
    You know when you're so embarrassed for someone, it becomes physically uncomfortable?

    That was me - for an hour.

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