Friday, May 29, 2009

D, We Need This




We need two apiece.
Kara Ross


Wednesday, May 27, 2009

The End of Mommy Blogs

I like to believe that's Dr. Pepper in the bottle.

Papi had to talk me down off the ledge again last night. I was having my bimonthly emotional crisis*. This time it was brought on by reading too many good-mother blogs.

When I first stumble across these I find them inspiring. The moms take professional-quality pictures of children in clothes that they personally sewed from vintage fabric. They make healthy dinners using the organic, locally-grown produce they find at the farmer's market, which of course their children are delighted to eat. Their children eschew Pokemon in favor of Waldorf toys and have yet to watch a television program. They go on "simple living" kicks while simultaneously posting at least daily about the perfectly hip items they found that they COULD buy, because they're also somehow not teetering on the brink of financial apocalypse. They live in mint-condition midcentury houses that are featured on Cookie's blog. All of these things are so enviable, and I vow to start doing all of them.

But I can't find the time to take up so many new hobbies. I take crappy pictures with my cell phone and I never learned to sew. And I absolutely never haul my ass out of bed in time to make the farmer's market on Saturday. So I drive myself crazy over the many, many ways in which I fail to measure up.

So, ladies, as much as I admire you, we're now officially On A Break. Papi must be tired of listening to me sob about not being a good enough mother. I'm off to refine the hobbies I already have: eating, thinking about what to eat next, and making up bitchy nicknames for people who vex me. (Send in your submissions!)

I really wish Brit had a blog. UPDATE: Britney has a blog. It appears to be a vehicle written by an assistant for the purpose of advertising licensed distressed trucker hats. COMING SOON: Mamacita's Bedazzled Muumuu Shoppe.

*Do I mean twice-a-month or every-other-month? Spin the wheel.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Internet Fun

[shown: not my score, bitchez.]

Spend some time testing your sense of color at the Munsell Hue Test. I scored an 11 (lower scores are better). I don't know if that's average, or what. I tried to get a better score, but it got worse every time I did it. What did you get?

UPDATE: Thanks to the commenters, I had to go back and spend 10 minutes trying to get a better score. I got to a 4 immediately when I started using my laptop (instead of the desktop at work), and then I finally got them all right. A 4 means that you're only off by one square, Sara.

test via
image via

What mamacita is ...


Reading
On the advice of Cayce. Hilarious.

Watching
There's so much we have to explain to the kids:
telegrams, nuns, middle European nationalism ...

Listening to
Obviously, if you're watching Julie Andrews,
you can't get the songs out of your head.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

It was a rainy day today, so I stayed inside and caught up on some reading, alphabetized my spice rack, etc. Oh wait, no: I started another blog. I have a minor obsession with packaging; hence pkg.tumblr.com. Amount of my day now spent on the internet = 93.7%.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Bluegrass Becca


Bluegrass Becca
Originally uploaded by houston mamacita
The voice of an angel. I said ANGEL, dammit.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

If Five-Year-Olds Blogged

Toby says that when he grows up he's going to be an inventor and
a professional wrestler. His nom de guerre is going to be "Agent Tough."


What do you call a sister of your mommy or daddy?
My daddy's sister had two babies. I'm not sure if she's my aunt any more.

I need to find some quarters.
If you find a dollar you're really lucky.

How much did you pay for your house?
Do you rent your house or did you buy your house?
When I grow up I'm going to live in a hotel.
What is room service?

Does an eagle lay a giant egg?

Can a boy live with a boy?
I'm going to live with my friend Noah.
Noah never cuts his toenails.
He's going to win the world record.
We're going to split the money.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Sometimes I wish I had boy parts so that I could convince Choire Sicha to marry me.

Celebrities' Favorite Websites


As reported by In Style magazine:

Julianne Moore: HuffPo (GROAN)
Angie Harmon: Newsbusters (Double GROAN -- oh Angie, you're so pretty...)
Sharon Stone: Webkinz (that I can believe)
Camilla Belle: Food Network (pants on fire)
Tom Ford: "Youporn.com has the best free porn around. It's true! Is that a bad thing to say? If I'm tired of porn and want to shop for a new lamp, 1stdibs.com is good."

Do we have any cabinet positions still open? I love Tom Ford.

Monday, May 18, 2009

The Bikini Wax: An Internal Dialogue

God, this is horrifying.

I wonder if she's as embarrassed as I am.

OW!

Ow MOTHERFUCKER!

Okay, this hurts less than childbirth, but only because it doesn't last as long.

What is she saying? I wish I spoke Vietnamese.

I think I outweigh the entire staff combined.

Dude, where is she going?

They need a picture on this ceiling.

They would probably put up a picture of Hannah Montana.

I will not think about Miley Cyrus. I will not think about Miley Cyrus.

Hey, I bet my nails are dry.

I wonder if the liquor store next door sells ice.

Next time I'm paying more for a place with numbing cream.

Which is worse -- being her or being me?

OW. Me.

At times like this it's good to have some poetry memorized.

'Twas brillig and the ... the ...

Dammit.

HOW BIG IS MY VAGINA? She could have mowed the back 40 by now.

God, how come nobody told me this shit was growing halfway down my leg?

Did I water the clematis last night?

Next time: vodka first.

Next time: Vicodin first.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Breaking Michael Lewis News


Michael Lewis has a very funny essay in the new issue of O, The Oprah Magazine. I can't wait to read his new book.

(Consider yourself OWNED, kottke.)

Yerberia


yerberia, originally uploaded by houston mamacita.

But I also got to go here. It's a Mexican herb shop on Airline, across from the Farmer's Market. This place is HUGE. I love this old-fashioned counter. You know -- just like in ye olden days, except with air conditioning. And probably fewer flies.

E & B & Chuck E.


E & B & Chuck E., originally uploaded by houston mamacita.

Guess where I went yesterday.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Dear James Taylor,

Let's talk about your hat.

I appreciate your thriftiness in purchasing a Simplicity pattern and making both a sweatshirt AND a hat out of that fleecy material that's always on sale. But let's be honest -- you've been phoning it in for years with your albums, harvesting the money that baby boomers who remember your better days are willing to spend in order to feel 25 again. [Your pal Jimmy Buffet was a real prince to let you in on his business model.] And I know Carly didn't bleed you dry with alimony demands, either. So maybe next time you could pony up for a real hat. You'll feel better when you look better -- trust me.

Yours,
Mamacita

Peanut Butter Pie


I made this for Mother's Day, and again for a coworker's birthday today. The recipe I put together from a few different sources, including Baked: New Frontiers in Baking (I love that book).

Peanut Butter Pie

Crust:
30 chocolate wafer cookies, finely crushed (appx. 6 oz.)
1 T sugar
6 T butter, melted

Mix ingredients in a bowl. Press mixture into pie plate and refrigerate while making pie filling.

Filling:
1 ½ c heavy cream
8 oz. cream cheese
1 c smooth peanut butter
2 T vanilla extract
¾ c dark brown sugar (firmly packed)

Whip the cream and set aside. Put remaining ingredients in a mixing bowl and beat until combined and smooth. Fold whipped cream into peanut butter mixture by thirds, and pour mixture into prepared crust.

Topping:
½ c heavy cream
½ c semisweet chocolate chips
¼ c chopped peanuts

Heat cream on low heat on stovetop until bubbly. Add chocolate and stir continuously until mixture is glossy and smooth. Remove from heat and let cool for 5 minutes, then pour on top of prepared pie. Sprinkle peanuts over top of chocolate.

Freeze pie at least four hours; remove from freezer 10 minutes before serving.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Happy Mother's Day!



Warning: f-bombs galore.

Thanks, B-Side

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Oh yeah, I'm supposed to be writing a blog.

Hello, fellow babies. I am going to put my bottle of Vicodin down long enough for this one post. Amazon is running a scented-glossy-magazine subscription special that might be worth your while. Right now you can get:

One year of Sunset (12 issues) for $11.

Two years of House Beautiful (yep, 24 issues) for $10.

One year of Country Living (12 issues) for 5 whole dollars. [Yeah, I know: Country Living? But they have a new editor, and they have been bringing it lately.]

One year of Penthouse Letters (1-year) for less than $20. Hey, D, do they send you a free copy when your letter is published?

Hell, there are a bunch of them at end-of-times-for-print-media prices. And the deals are valid for renewals as well as new purchases.

I ordered about 10 of these for myself as a get well present. It's true, babies: I finally got those butt implants. Coming soon to a rap video near you.