What Would Jane Austen Do?

I forgot to tell you about the big doins’ in my family last week. My grandparents got married. Follow me: my mother’s parents were married in 1954. In quick succession they had my mother and her brother and sister. They divorced in 1967 or so (no one claims to remember the exact date). They remarried later – Pawpaw married a woman named Pat in 1969 and Granny married a man named W.T. in 1972. Years went by, grandchildren were born (ME, most importantly), etc. My grandparents still lived in my home town, and my mother and her siblings still had good relationships with everyone, including their stepparents. That was the situation when I was growing up – I had a bonus set of grandparents out of the deal, and everyone was happy. In 1999, Granny’s husband died; a few years later, Pawpaw’s wife died. And then Granny and Pawpaw got back together. The week after Thanksgiving Granny and Pawpaw suddenly announced that they would be getting remarried. If yo...

I love the post-Christmas sales, because I am a materialistic brat and yet a cheapskate at the same time. Usually December 26 is my time to shine, but I'm feeling no love today. Late at night on Christmas Eve I started my pre-shopping online. I found that Lands' End's post-holiday sale is disappointing -- limited selection, and no shipping deals to be had right now. Early this morning I checked out Crane.com and found some cards I liked, but again, the shipping is outrageous (16% of the order!). So at 7:30 this morning I set out for the shops. I got to Bering's early and waited in line for the doors to open -- you cannot question my committment, here -- in search of cards and paper, but it turns out that they sold out of paper on Christmas Eve. [I guess they're glad that they didn't have to mark down their inventory, but surely they left some money on the table because of it.] Then I went to Tanglewood Pharmacy, but they didn't have anything I wanted (...

You may have already known this, but just in case you didn't: Redbox, the kiosk full of $1-a-day movie rentals, has a website where you can not only find the nearest Redbox location, but you can also browse the current inventory and reserve the title before you even leave your house. Sweet!

A long, long time ago, before you were born, MTV didn't suck balls. No really, it's true. Check this out: HT: TeenyManolo

1. Eartha Kitt wrote a book . 2. W.B. Yeats was a virgin until he was 31 . 3. Stalin was a great singer . 4. Rice University owned Yankee Stadium for almost 10 years . 5. Monosodium glutamate was developed to give umami taste to foods. 6. You can use NORAD to track Santa this Christmas Eve . 7. Blue Iris is Pantone's Color of the Year for 2008 . 8. You can bake cupcakes in jelly jars . 9. Some people harbor a parasite that makes them more likely to be eaten by cats . 10. Cooliris is the shizz .

To tell you the truth, I had never heard of Theresa Duncan or James Blake until I read the article about their suicides in Vanity Fair . The article isn't gut-wrenchingly sad, just a bizarre story. But then I watched the animated film that they put out a few years ago called The History of Glamour , and now I'm incredibly sorry that they aren't around to do more like it. The film, which appeared in the Whitney Biennial in 2000, is so slyly funny and sincere and says a lot of things I wish I could articulate in such an ingenious way. If you have 40 minutes, I highly recommend it. Especially for you, Decorno and SGM . Now where can I get my hands on Chop Suey , the video game Duncan produced that David Sedaris narrated?

I know it’s been a while since I posted. Truthfully, Mamacita was hanging out on the Sucking side of life. I was seriously contemplating blogicide; only thoughts of Jenny’s cat stopped me from pulling the plug. After all, who wants to read bad news all the time? I certainly don’t want to write it. But I’m glad I didn’t – I had a really awesome weekend and I can’t wait to tell you about it. Thursday night [when does your weekend start?] I went with some of my besties to the pool hall, where we drank tequila and nearly peed our pants laughing. Friday I baked Jam Trio cookies all day with John , then hung out again with said friends, this time in a more wholesome fashion, at the park with our urchins. Saturday I went to a cookie exchange party. My favorite cookies were the Hamilton sugar cookies; I will try to post a recipe later. I gave some to my Granny and she said that her aunt Mary used to make some just like that, calling them “teacakes.” They were delic...

You know what a good friend is? A good friend will take you in, when you're having a bad day, and make you cookies and crackers * and more cookies. A good friend understands the importance of carbohydrates and will not even mention how big your ass is getting. A really good friend will even pick flowers for you from her garden, plus watch your heathen child all evening long while you take care of business. Letitia Van Campen is one hell of a good friend. That's totally a picture of us, by the way. *She made these Pioneer Woman crackers with a slice of jalapeño and, son, they were good .

Is Day of Ninja! How to celebrate? Let's Ask a Ninja :

I saw this in an ad yesterday and it would be so perfect for Emily . Available (for a little while, anyway) at Past Era .

Watching: Oh, Lord, I love me some fat baby cheeks. (1:40) Watching: Remember those Chinese dudes who lip-synched to Backstreet Boys ? They have a great one in Chinese, too. Watching: The Evolution of Dance. (6:00)

I decided to make roasted chicken, because 1) it is supposedly easy, and I might have even done it before (can’t remember), 2) it is really cold in the house and I want to turn on the oven, and 3) I have two chickens in the freezer (bought on sale!) waiting for this very purpose. I bought them planning to roast them two at a time, so that I would have leftovers for chicken soup for Thursday night’s dinner and Chinese chicken salad for lunch later in the week. How frugal and housewifey of me! I am June Fucking Cleaver! Well. This morning I took the two chickens out of the big freezer. This afternoon I spent twenty minutes on the Internet looking for the Platonic ideal roasted chicken recipe. Then I went into the kitchen and could not find my roasting pan. Q: How do you lose a roasting pan in an 8x6 room? A: You lose it in the playroom instead. But I was finally ready with the room-temperature butter, the spice rub (and absolutely none of the other elements th...

How much do you love Snoop Dogg?

1. Mary Edwards Walker was a feminist, physician, spy and abolitionist and the only woman to receive the Medal of Honor . 2. Neil Diamond wrote "Sweet Caroline" thinking of Caroline Kennedy . 3. Carolyne Roehm's real name is Jane Smith . 4. "We Can Work It Out" was only released as a single, never an original album track . 5. The Beatles catalogue is still not available in any online format. 6. As of November 2007, the Beatles' solo catalogues are available on iTunes, though . 7. Rube Foster was the first president of the Negro National League .* *Okay, I have to tell you how I learned this. I volunteered to judge the 3rd-5th grade History Fair at school. I was assigned to the third grade individual entries. The little girl who won was far and away the best entry I saw. I talked to her mother (an acquaintance of mine) after the event. She said that he daughter was REALLY into black history (a little surprising, since she's not black, but th...

Tickle Me Harder via Teeny Manolo

Today we honor the master ! I believe it was Joan Rivers who once described his shoes as "Park Avenue fuck-me pumps." In any case, you should celebrate by buying me these , the most perfect pair of shoes ever designed. I take a 38.5.

reading drinking ( yay fungus! ) listening to

That would be Margherita of Savoy, Queen Consort of King Umberto I of Italy, and, more importantly, the namesake of Margherita Pizza. I'll see you at NY Pizzeria .

in 1955, Bo Diddley was the first "person of color" to appear on the Ed Sullivan show. The story is that Ed Sullivan wanted him to sing "Sixteen Tons," but Mr. Diddley had other plans; he sang "Bo Diddley" instead. Sullivan told him he was the first "colored boy" to cross him, and Diddley was banned from the show for life. I guess things worked out okay for him, though. I couldn't find footage of his appearance on Ed Sullivan , so you're getting this clip instead. Check out the girl on guitar! That's Lady Bo (a.k.a. Peggy Jones). I think I need those pants.

Reading Waiting for: the writers' strike to be over! (photo: Reuters) Watching

1. Long-wearing lipstick. L'Oréal Infallible Lipcolour isn't too drying. It might last through Thanksgiving dinner. And the gloss smells like Strawberry Shortcake dolls, which will remind you to bring up any lingering childhood resentment you still have toward your sisters. Fun for the whole family! 2. Time to get your highlights touched up. You don't want to look like Pepe LePew in the family pictures. 3. You'll need a blouse that doesn't touch your waist. This tunic from Banana should do the trick. Be sure to drink a lot, though, in order to dispel any pregnancy rumors. 4. Get a pedicure so you can pad around your mom's house barefoot. Bogotá Blackberry is a great fall metallic. Don't bother with the manicure, though -- the dishwashing will be absolutely epic this week.

in 1985, Calvin and Hobbes made its debut. Today is a great day to spend lying around on the couch, reading old comics. I couldn't decide which of the Snowman Series was my favorite -- go back and read them all. It's not like you need to get any work done today.

Went to the Rice Gallery this afternoon with Becca and John . On view right now is Dans la Lune by Kirsten Hassenfeld. It's an installation of intricate chandeliers made entirely of paper. I enjoyed the exhibit very much, but I wish there had been better lighting. The idea is that the viewer is in a dream -- that's why it was kind of dark -- but I would love to see her work with light shining through the vellum. I couldn't get any good pictures; these are from the official site .

1. At one point in Sweden, the highest marginal tax rate was 102% . 2. In the year 1000, Cordoba, Spain was the largest city in the world . 3. Sepia dye was originally derived from cuttlefish . 4. Slash's real name is Saul Hudson . 5. Kanye West's mother was an English professor . 6. Kanye West's father was a Black Panther . 7. Stella McCartney designed a one-legged pendant to mock her former stepmother . 8. Bill Watterson fought with Universal Press Syndicate for years to avoid merchandising Calvin and Hobbes . 9. Almost all Calvin and Hobbes merchandise ever sold was unauthorized . 10. In the early days of the Iran hostage crisis, the captors released all women and African-Americans from captivity .

Pippi forever !

My Aunt Winnie emailed me late last week desperate for a birthday gift for her best friend, Swanee. Swanee is definitely The Woman Who Has Everything, so buying for her is a tough call. Swanee really likes gardening, among other things, and was just getting back from the Galapagos. I recommended that Winnie make Swanee a terrarium. I have been thinking about doing one of these for a while -- they would be great for kids, too. I found some ideas here and here . Winnie put one together and seemed happy with how things turned out.

Stay away, I said just STAY AWAY from the J. Crew Holiday Gift Guide . Don't go! I mean it! It can't be good for your FICO score.

Reading -- I can't believe it's the last one! Watching Sneaking out for

64? Inconceivable!

The answer to every New Yorker caption contest . Hat tip: Gawker

laughing at today: dead people. Steve Almond, Not That You Asked "On April 11, 2007, Kurt Vonnegut died [...] Someone was cruel enough to send me a link to the Fox News coverage. The reporter cited Vonnegut's 'unique brand of despondent leftism,' which struck me as an apt reflection of Fox's unique brand of thrift-store fascism." Madame X, My Open Wallet Obituary for wrestler The Fabulous Moolah, "First Goddess of the Squared Circle."

It has sections on "How to Tie a Sari," "Math Tricks," and "Queens of the Ancient World," among others. The boys should be so lucky.

Spirits In honor of All Saint's Day... Ale Beer Casper Dodge Eau-de-Vie Firewater Gin Holy Ghost Islay Jagermeister King Hamlet Low Mead Nog Of St. Louis Port Quady Rye of Seventy-six Teen Unicum Villains on Scooby Doo Wine Xmas Past Yuengling Zeitgeist

Chili + Vodka = bad :-(

Watching "It's a perfect cross between Scarecrow and Mrs. King and The Forty Year Old Virgin ." [Yeah, except that Chuck dude isn't 1/10th as hot as Bruce Boxleitner in his prime.] Playing

I never had the chance to blog about a recent project: birthday presents for Luke and Toby, who were turning four; and Dagny, who was turning seven. Possibly my favorite thing in the world is buying presents for people, and I really had fun with these. I asked Luke what he wanted for his birthday. His reply? "Gum." Okaaaay. As it happens, the fourth birthday is pretty big for a lot of little kids I know -- it's when they are Officially Allowed to chew gum. So for Luke and Toby, I put together these tin lunchboxes full of the sticky stuff. That's Big League Chew, Fruit Stripe, Bubble Tape -- all the classics -- and more. For Dagny's seventh birthday, I found this cute little bag at crewcuts and had it monogrammed for her. I think she likes it -- I've seen her carrying it a lot. That's my big tip for buying kid presents -- they love almost anything with their names on it. God, I love crewcuts. I wish I could just order the adorable, mute little chi...

Words cannot even describe how much I hate Bill Simmons.* *For those of you who don't know: he is the illiterate, misogynist, juvenile, preppy douchebag columnist and would-be President of Red Sox Nation who embodies everything there is to hate about all of eastern Massachusetts.

I saw her turn counterclockwise ! And now when I look she seems to switch at random. I just had to look at her longer. BTW, Uncle Miles, in response to your comment: check out the comments on the post at Freakonomics . People list their education, profession, and which way the dancer turns for them. Marketers see her going counterclockwise; economists see her going clockwise -- it's chaos I tell you.

Today is the day we all write on our blogs about what we’re doing to help the environment. You know I love me some meme, so I wanted to contribute with Eleven Things I Do for the Environment: 1. Instead of turning out the lights when I leave a room, I never turn on lights at all. I have night vision eyes. 2. I don’t drive a car; I don’t even ride a bicycle. I levitate to get from place to place. Suck it, DiCaprio. 3. I don’t use any packaging materials – at all. In fact, I use telekinesis to buy books from Amazon. 4. I have no carbon footprint. I created global warming all by myself, with my intensely hot body, but I am so cool that I’m chilling it down as we speak. 5. I don’t have to recycle – I incinerate garbage with laser beams from my eyes 6. I make love not war. 7. I wear fair trade, sustainably harvested edible panties. 8. I’m not just donating today’s profits from my blog to an environmental charity – I will...

Reading Watching Listening to (soundtrack)

The Diamondbacks are trying to make my head explode.

Have you seen this yet? You look at this image of a spinning silhouette and, depending on how you see the image, you can determine whether your right-brain or left-brain is dominant. Which you probably already know at this point in your life, but it's cool anyway. I'm so right-brained that I can't even see it the other way when I try. via Kottke , Graphic Design Bar and others

So, for the Fall Festival I needed some information from each of the teachers. I discovered yesterday that I only had this information from about 1/3 of them. Now, I am not supposed to email the teachers directly -- the Communications Chair does that. So I sent the Communications Chair an email asking her to email the teachers (again) for the necessary information. Follow that? Anyway, the subject line of the email I sent was " Recalcitrant Teachers." So the Communications Chair forwarded that exact email to the teachers. Holy shit am I in trouble.

bitching about today: I can't believe it's been so long since I posted. What the hell is going on? Let’s see – I’ve been working out. My friends are kicking my ass around the gym. It’s my goal to one day get on a weight machine after an old lady and not have to move to a lighter weight. In the meantime, I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck. (But it’s a good hit-by-a-truck.) I expend all of my mental energy during the day scanning my immediate vicinity for a place to lie down. Still working on the Fall Festival. It’s in two and a half weeks. I’m starting to get phone calls from crazies (“Can I set up a booth to paint henna on kids? And then you can just pay me in cash for whatever tickets I collect?” Um, no.) Everyone falls into two camps these days: people who won’t fucking leave me alone, and people who won’t return my calls. I hate them all. Also due before the end of the month: hosting a Halloween party at our house for a hundred or so...

I was so excited when Book Burro turned up with Jenna Jameson's book at the Houston library. However, of the six copies, four are missing. Fucking degenerates in this town.

Reading Playing Listening to Isn't New Wave the proto-Emo? You'll never have the bangs for it, Papi.

Okay, I went looking for an image of a smurf to use in the last post, and this one cracked me up. Meet Gangsta Smurf: And his pals . Those wacky students.

The First Time News Was Fit To Print , at Mental Floss , documents the first mention in The New York Times of phenomena such as the Smurfs, the War on Terror, and microwave ovens. via Kottke .

Reading Running away to one day Listening to