Top 5 Ways I Would Solve America's Economic Problems

Lighten up, buddy. Help is on the way.

The fact that these financial reforms that would just so happen to benefit me is entirely a coincidence.

1. No taxes or penalties on early withdrawals from IRAs. Okay, so it could send the market into a tailspin. But given that most Americans treat money like a seven-year-old at the Chuck E. Cheese prize counter (or Mamacita at Sephora), this could only turn out for the better, right?

2. No taxes on unemployment benefits. Why are they taxed in the first place? "Hey, here's a pittance compared to what you normally make, and we still want a piece of the action."

3. Blogging subsidies. Sort of like the subsidies given to farmers not to farm, blogging subsidies would be given to Americans for not getting anything done, thus necessitating more workers, thus creating more jobs. Obvs.

4. Cancellation of all outstanding student loans. But only for people over 30. Screw those young 'uns. I think I should get time off for good behavior, and for sort of attempting to make payments at least half of the time.

5. Nationalizing the assets of these assclowns. A couple of quotes:

“But I don’t want to feel like a sellout. I like the D.I.Y. aspect of this. I like that it’s just me and Taylor playing music.” [uttered by the scion of multimillionaires]

“I’ve been having a love affair with Scandinavian pop and bluegrass,” Ms. Tolkin gushed.

I was a pretentious teenager once, but at least I was too poor for The New York Times to take notice.