What Would Jane Austen Do?

I could write an entire Thanksgiving list for the imaginary people living on the internet. [Maybe one day.] Near the top of that list would be Matthew Baldwin , aka Defective Yeti . He writes stuff like this and makes it just seem so natural. Haircut 2.0 When I go into a deli, why can I not just order a turkey sandwich and get a g.d. turkey sandwich, instead of having to approve or deny each and every member of kingdom Plantae ? NO ONE WANTS BUTTERNUT SQUASH ON A TURKEY SANDWICH DONT EVEN ASK!! I appreciate that they are trying to “make it my way” or whatever, but after the third time I have unconditionally delegated any and all turkey-sandwich-making authority to the guy behind the counter, it’s time for the questions to end. Call me crazy, but I presume that someone who makes sandwiches eight hours a day has a mental model of “turkey sandwich” that is closer to the Platonic ideal of Turkey Sandwich than I could ever fathom, and should therefore be Team Captain for this particular ...

Another great blogger is [redacted] . You will actually howl out loud while reading this one. That Time I Was in Asia: So You're Interested in Seeing a Thai Sex Show . So while in Thailand , Brooke and I decided that we should visit the Red Light District. I mean, it's famous; and famous for sex, no less. We love sex. It seemed like a natural fit. And though we were well aware of the all-too-seedy underbelly, we were assured by more than a few people that the current version of Patpong (the district's name) was a watered down version of its nefarious predecessor. I mean, the New York Times recommended going there in their 36 Hours in Bangkok article. The last time the New York Times recommended something "gritty and dangerous" it was a Michael Moore film. We felt pretty secure. [ Read the whole thing. ]

I swear, they won't always be this way. I'm trying to get these all out to you before the end of the year, for some arbitrary reason. One of the best -- possibly THE best -- new blog of the year was Letters of Note , "a blog-based archive of fascinating correspondence, complete with scans and transcripts of the original missives." You should read it every day. Bookmark this letter so you'll have it when you need it. It's a reply from Stephen Fry to a fan who wrote asking for advice while in the midst of a depression. April 10, 2006 Dear Crystal, I'm so sorry to hear that life is getting you down at the moment. Goodness knows, it can be so tough when nothing seems to fit and little seems to be fulfilling. I'm not sure there's any specific advice I can give that will help bring life back its savour. Although they mean well, it's sometimes quite galling to be reminded how much people love you when you don't love yourself that much. I've...

This letter to the London Review of Books was another favorite from this past year. It changed the way I thought about a lot of things. Because it's annoying to scroll down to it, I'm quoting the whole thing. Keep me in! The list of stories of unjust incarceration for insanity is long, as Susan Eilenberg suggests ( LRB , 23 July). Does it still happen? Or have things gone in a completely different direction? I have been in and out of NHS mental hospitals for more than forty years. The first, following a suicide attempt, was Bethlem Royal, the old Bedlam, by then moved to a huge semi-rural site near Beckenham. On arrival my first feeling was of immense relief; I was in a safe place and didn’t have to worry any more. One almost never saw a psychiatrist; ‘treatment’ consisted of tranquillisers that kept one calm and anti-depressants that did nothing at all; this was in the days before Prozac. But the nurses were friendly and spent all day with the patients, chatting, playing ...

Maybe you're at work fucking away the rest of the year until everybody gets back to work in January. That's what I'm doing, anyway. To facilitate your fucking away, I thought I would point you to some of my favorite writing from the year. First: delight in Bonnie's stories of " The Worst Things I Ever Wore ." 1980 Pants: Ugly, but Dry My mom was and is a big thrift-shopper, so these navy-blue bell-bottoms with colorful flowers embroidered on the bells were out of style by the time I wore them. Describing them now, they sound sort of cute, but here's the problem: another girl in my third grade class also had them. A girl known for wetting her pants. Those pants. [More here ]

Hey, I know you're a big fan of Mariah Carey's "All I Want for Christmas is You." Kinda goes without saying, right? Since you've heard it 5,723 times since Thanksgiving? On the other hand ... Hollister Hovey put up a 3-song EP she coordinated with some of her very talented friends. Holy cow, is it good. [Bonus for Cayce and Carl: a rousing version of "Nu skal vi ha glide."] Also, Amazon has a bunch of free downloads. In other news, I am still sick and it still blows.

Papi let me sleep in this morning. I woke to Becca's voice saying, "Cotton candy! And a stuffed unicorn!" The neighbor had been by with gifts. Then we went on a little road trip. Four hours in the car with E&B squabbling endlessly. At one point they were obnoxious enough that I yelled, "if you say one more word I'm throwing your unicorn out the window!" [Never thought of that one, eh, Joan Crawford?] Later I asked Papi how he stayed so calm on the trip. He said, "I imagined I was driving to an orphanage."

After all these years we've been together, you're still recommending Michel Buble for me?

Wrong on So Many Levels , originally uploaded by houston mamacita . Spotted at Toys 'R Us.

Or, "I'll take Overdue Posts for $1,000, Alex." Actually, my posting is way down since Thanksgiving because I've been pretty busy with my "one for you, one for me" Christmas shopping. I've been terribly naughty this year, so I can't really count on Santa. The very best place for this kind of shopping is etsy. Since I'm always happy to hear about other people's etsy favorites, here are a few of mine: I've blogged about Shop Clementine before. I have a pair of her earrings that I adore. If this necklace found its way into your stocking, you would be quite delighted, no? This year I decided that Becca can turn the dollhouse bookcase that Grandaddy built into her own dollhouse. [We'll make room for the books on a shelf in our room.] I got her some dollhouse furniture at Hobby Lobby, but I was excited to find these tin y wooden dolls on etsy . She'll get to decorate them to make her own little dollhouse family. I want one of e...

Papi: "Check this out: non-Newtonian fluid." Me: "Huh?" Papi: "Watch these dudes walk on water." Me: "That's awesome." [Watch for a while until the dude sinks into the pool.] Six other "Man-Made Substances That Laugh in the Face of Physics" here .

Kiddo edition: Reading Watching Drinking

Check out this gallery at the Smithsonian online of artists' homemade Christmas cards . Makes me wish I had returned Man Ray's calls back in the day. via VSL

Y'all go sign up for Jen's swap.

Talking to my friend, Bonjour Madame , just made me realize: I am the Tracy Flick of the holidays. It seems that no one else keeps a spreadsheet of activities and gifts going back 8 years, as well as a database of Christmas card addresses. Any of my homies out there doing the same thing? pic via

On Sunday we had a party to celebrate my Grandmother's ninetieth birthday and her new house (an addition to my parents' house). Funny story: Grandmother is a twin, and she spent her actual birthday with her twin sister. Even at their ages, these ladies are CRAZY competitive. [You do NOT want to play a board game against them.] My mom called my great aunt and asked how her party was; when she asked how many people did she have, she told my mom, "About... 51." You know, roughly . So our goal was to beat that number. We had 76. Or so ;-). Some photos... This is a bad picture, but we were able to play some of her favorite records on an old Victrola my parents have. She likes Big Band. From the florist. I made cheese crackers, pecan tassies, and chicken salad finger sandwiches. We also put out cheese and crackers, fruit skewers, nuts, and of course a cake. Sherbet punch -- now it's a party! Winnie will kill me for posting this, but I thought her jacket was so ...

Watching Papi and I couldn't get into this show at first, but enough people kept calling it their "favorite show" that we had to give it another try. For whatever reason, now I think it's absolutely hilarious. We've been watching the episodes on Hulu . This season has me in tears with laughter. This was really and truly coincidental, but today's Amazon Gold Box deal is the box set of Seasons 1-4 at 60% off regular price (in case you're interested). If you order it, make sure to get the Christmas DVD at the same time, because you'll get another $10 off.* *Disclosure: I bet I get a shiny nickel out of it if you order through that link. Which is obviously the only reason I blog -- for all the phat loot.

On Sunday I went to the Urban Market , where I found these great carved horn birds at a booth run by the lovely and talented Carolina Saunders . She had so much great stuff; I wish I could have bought it all.

You know that calendar that Martha has in the front pages of her magazine? She has it on her website, too, only it's more detailed. You can display her calendars for Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah, Homekeeping, and Gardening. And! You can put her calendars on your own Google calendar (or Yahoo!, Outlook, or iCal calendars). Of course, you may not want to display them all at the same time, but they will be there in the sidebar when you're ready for them. Ooooh, I'm so excited.

I finally figured out how to make the kids' costume pictures work. Updated post here .

Anybody want to trade Christmas cards? Leave a comment here; I'll email you with my address and you can send me yours.

At the kids' school they have a "book character parade" for Halloween. Every kid is supposed to dress up as a character from a book. Emmet and Becca decided that they wanted to be their own characters that they made up. So they each wrote a book with those characters. I decided that would have to count. Emmet is Emmet from the Emmet-Power Aquarium. His story involves rescuing seven crystals or something. You can't see his costume very well. We wrapped duct tape around an old t-shirt; the blue is a painter's tape bandolier. There are also some plastic "crystals" on there. The bottoms are sweatpants with crystal compass points on the left hip. Becca is the Beccatron. She's wearing a bike helmet covered in foil and two foil roasting pans attached with duct tape. The buttons on the robot are condiment cups that she colored and I attached with hot glue. [There are also buttons on the top of the helmet.] Her outfit is complete with the famous ...

We had a Halloween party Saturday night. Becca and I worked together on the decorations; I liked the way they turned out. papel picado banner (it was longer than this, obvs.) eyeball ornaments glitter skull arrangement on the windowsill in the bathroom ghost luminarias The ghost luminarias are made from milk jugs (I'm sure you totally couldn't tell). I used flameless tealights inside. I thought the tealights worked great, but if you buy them, be advised that there will be a lot of duds in every package. The first package had about 50% duds; subsequent packages had maybe 25% duds.

Who's that Spartan in my Tee-pee? Its ME ITS me! , originally uploaded by houston mamacita . You wouldn't want to be on the bottom of that pyramid.

Adding insult to the injury of my week: getting diet Coke in the drive-thru instead of the real Coke I requested. Seriously, universe: I AM ARMED. Don't tempt me.

What mamacita is... Watching When I was in junior high, my church youth group was invited to a lock-in at the Episcopal church in Port Arthur. The thing I remember most about that night is how strange all the other kids looked. I remember at least one kid had a sidewinder haircut, which I'd never seen before. Other boys had long hair. Some kids had multiple piercings. There was a girl in Goth raiment (though I didn't know what to call it at the time). I remember calling my parents and saying, "There are some weird people here." It's not that I wanted to leave -- I just had to tell somebody about all the fascinating things that were happening. For comparison's sake: in Bridge City, boys weren't allowed to wear their hair past their collars, and they definitely weren't allowed to have anything pierced. Girls weren't allowed to pierce anything besides their ears, once . [Things have changed now, and as far as I know, all of those rules have ...

It's Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers .

I thought you might like to know that there is a wealth of last-minute Halloween costume inspiration on the American Apparel website. I know this because I had to buy the kids some clothes recently. The leggings I bought for Becca are off the chain . I really wanted to buy some for myself, except I think that encasing my cottage cheese into these awesome pants is probably illegal. Check it out: Are those not the best pants EVER?

It's the little things. , originally uploaded by houston mamacita . I am totally JAZZED about the new buggies at Kroger.

It turned out to be scarier than we thought it would be, but the kids still liked it.

two front teeth , originally uploaded by houston mamacita . Somebody lost her two front teeth last night.

haircut , originally uploaded by houston mamacita . I think the little spikes make him look like Tintin.

I LOVE Halloween. I've been thinking about our Halloween party since school started. I've been talking about Halloween decorations to everyone I see. Just so you know my feelings on the subject. Because this right here? It bugs the shit out of me. Every time I drive by this house, I think about this . [DON'T click that link, Letitia.] Is it just me? Am I being too sensitive?

Rainy day, and I'm listening "Everlong" over and over. Fuck yes .

So I bought this comforter yesterday. Yes, it's a comforter in a bag from Target: sue me. I needed something easy. It's supposed to be chartreuse, but it looks a little more baby-shit brown in my bedroom. The trim is very dark brown. This is where it gets difficult: I seriously need some curtains. Right now my bedroom windows are covered with wrapping paper, which is pretty ghetto, even for me. So I need your help in finding curtains. I'm also open to whatever other suggestions you have about the room. Currently it is just a white box with berber carpet. The dresser and closets are built-ins (painted white) so I'm not looking for more furniture, although I am looking to make an upholstered headboard. I was also thinking about these Audubon prints (from a book) for the walls, but now I'm not so sure. And this was the original inspiration, FWIW: (more here ) And so to solicit as many replies as possible, I'll sweeten the pot. One commenter chosen at ra...

Today I started doing the work of two people, still with my part-time hours and no pay increase, of course. It was coming in from all sides, so right now I'm hiding under my desk. Don't worry, I found some Cheez-Its under here; I should be fine for a while. The best part of today was the "Wishing to Join" card that some kid left in a collection plate: Date: 6-6-06 Name: vampire Home: 1563 Lodge Center Work: killing demons Birthdate: 1891, April 1 Have you been baptized: No Transferring from: waste management

Or does it get better after the pilot ?

A good Christian rock band? Now I really have seen everything. Naturally, they are nuttier than a box of Goo Goo Clusters. I did wonder if they were a hoax, but the photos on their website suggest otherwise. And this may be their only good song -- those two songs about the heresy of the Trinity aren't very good. via Flubby

Lady lawyers in Britain are getting some kind of lingerie allowance . I don't fully understand what working late has to do with needing new underwear, but I couldn't pass up the chance to make an "Are You Being Served?" reference.

These are some of my favorite Ask MetaFilter discussions. [ Here is the list of user-voted favorites of all time. ] Upgrade Me I Love You, Smartwool Easy Ways to Make Life Easier Let's Make Life Fun and Easy Brilliant Recurring Calendar Events World's Most Useful Dead Tree Catalogs The Best Bargains at IKEA Best Grilled Cheese Sandwich How can I search for cheap last-minute flights out of a particular city but with no particular destination in mind?

Family movie for tonight . With Charles Grodin! And I forgot it was set in London -- that's especially exciting. I tried to explain to Becca that when I was a girl I liked Miss Piggy just as much as she likes Hello Kitty.

Every damn time , originally uploaded by houston mamacita . I suppose I would lose my purpose in life if anyone else ever replaced it.

Mer is my favorite person now because she sent me this. NSFW DON'T MESS WITH MY PILES!

Weekly Reader tote from BackGarage's etsy shop. It would be the most perfect library tote ever .

The Rugh Family Workshop makes this and other cool Autism-awareness posters.

As discussed previously, Choire Sicha is truly one of my favorite homos. But he is so wrong about these new flavors at the Shake Shack! They sound pretty good to me. [With the possible exception of Balsamic Fig, but maybe nobody goes there on Thursdays anyway.]

My kids didn't get to watch the Commandant's President's speech this morning, because their teachers felt like they couldn't give up any valuable instruction worksheet-shuffling time. This made Papi pretty hot under the collar, so we sat the kids down this afternoon and made them drink the Kool-Aid watch the speech. It really was an excellent talk -- important socialist ideas communicated to children in an effective way. I think the President should brainwash address schoolchildren at the beginning of every year. Seems like a good way to pass on communist patriotic values. But in case your children didn't catch it, here is the video of the speech .

Reading I've nursed a crush on P.J. O'Rourke for almost two decades now. Watching The next time I get a movie from Netflix and Letitia says, "Oh, Mike and I loved that movie!" I think I'm going to return it unopened. He's a lovable slob! Who majored in philosophy! He likes Josie and the Pussycats! He's good with kids! He and his friends dress like 15 year-olds! They make up zen koans about sex! No one in this movie can act his way out of a paper bag, and the combination of book-jacket philosophy and 1998 fashion is more than my senses can take. Furthermore, I have to disagree with Roger Ebert : every line in this movie was entirely predictable. There has never been a less-sexy movie. It made Flipper look like an erotic thriller. F minus.