What Would Jane Austen Do?

Yves Saint Laurent Mascara Volume Effet Faux Cils Somebody on Makeup Alley was talking this up. It's not merely "nothing special;" it is truly not as good as, say, L'Oreal Voluminous. Now you know. Smashbox O-GLOSS Intuitive Lip Gloss With Goji Berry-C Complex That's a mighty big name, isn't it? And even setting aside the nonsense about goji berries and vitamin C, it's still a little bit of a let-down. The color is quite pink, and I don't like it nearly as much as Benefit's Benetint. I only gave it a try because Benetint is such a bitch to use. Back to the drawing board. Christ, I'm never going to get any corporate swag if I don't find something to praise.

Dear Elisabeth Hasselbeck, Fuck you. Sincerely, Mamacita

This color would make me happy all day. Such a cute bracelet. Love the movement. I love this one, but why is it $715? It's not even leath-ah! With a white shirt and grey trousers. You know, if I had grey trousers that fit. With some gold peep-toe flats I bought recently. And I don't know what else. If you see someone walking down 43rd street in a cute necklace, shoes, and her birthday suit: say hi. Annnnnd one of these. Question for you: Which one do I need the most?

Did you stumble into work this morning hungover? Happens to the best of us. Remind your boss of how much worse things could be. Here are some excerpts from Not Hired , a blog about Craigslist job ads: The answer is, "sometimes, yes": From a proud AOL user: So much better than Chuck E. Cheese: Something tells me this girl might actually get work in San Francisco : And I hope this guy really exists . Thanks, Mrs. Micah

[I'm trying to psyche myself up three solid months of 98 degrees and 98% humidity.] Seersucker Day * Flag Day Cake * Watermelon * Getting my first paycheck in three years Afternoon reading time * a kid-free trip to Maine in August * Chilling out with my friends in the YMCA pool Blueberry tea * Going to Austin for July 4 The kids' birthday party * The Olympics * THAT movie * my birthday!

Coming up tomorrow, Real Housewives of NYC: The Lost Footage . Do I have the DVR set? Oh yes, I do. photo caption: "Guess which one of us is totally crazy!"

for SGM

Clinton Kelly from What Not to Wear has a website ! I saw the link when I was digging around in SGM 's archives for material to steal quote. It gets better, though. Clinton has produced a line of clothing for Denim & Co., which is sold on QVC. In fact, his line debuted Tuesday at 10 a.m. I think it might repeat on Friday at 3 p.m., so I set the DVR in anticipation. (So yes, Papi, I am recording QVC; don't mess with it). Anyway, Mr. Kelly is also making an appearance within 50 miles of my house. He will be at the Macy's in Pearland on July 31 at 6 p.m. You will want to call the r.s.v.p. line early, before the Chronicle 's shopping blogger lets the cat out of the bag. (She told the whole universe about my favorite shop , too.) Because I am NICE, I will tell you to call 713-405-6975. The line isn't open yet, but it's not too early to start trying. And Clinton promises not to critique your outfit unless you want him to. N.B. to Clinton: Tell your ...

Did you know that Zappos offers new employees four weeks of paid training, and then a $1,000 bonus if they quit ? Supposedly helps their customer service be better. Wow. HT: Wall Street Fighter

I pity the fool who doesn't celebrate!

Is anybody else a little frightened by this? In case you haven't been watching Bravo, this is apparently a set of K-Y jelly intended for use by a couple. Supposedly, the two formulas work together in some exciting way, which just makes me think about baking soda and vinegar. I hope they're not made from that. You can get a coupon here if you want to try it and report back to us.

Reading Watching Watching This movie made me so happy! It's my favorite Judd Apatow movie so far. [But I liked Superbad , too, so clearly I'm a degenerate.]

Will someone please explain to me why Lauren and Heidi hate each other? I reeeeally don't want to have to watch that show, but I'm feeling rather out-of-the-loop. Update: This article helps , I guess, but just out of curiosity: is there anybody on Team Heidi? And what does Audrina have to do with anything?

In honor of Jimmy Stewart's 100th birthday, TCM is showing several of his movies throughout the day Tuesday (and early Wednesday), including The Philadelphia Story , co-starring Katharine "Fingernails on a Chalkboard" Hepburn, at 10:30 a.m. (Central) The Glenn Miller Story , at 12:30 p.m. The Man Who Knew Too Much , a Hitchcock film co-starring Doris Day, at 2:30 p.m. Vertigo , co-starring Kim Novak, at 4:45 p.m. Rear Window , co-starring Grace Kelly, at 7 p.m. Mr. Smith Goes to Washington , a Frank Capra movie, at 2 a.m. (Wed.) Harvey , co-starring an invisible rabbit, at 4:15 a.m. (Wed.) The original Ocean's Eleven , starring Frank Sinatra, comes on TCM at 7 p.m. Wednesday. If you've been wanting, your whole life, to see Planet of the Apes (Charlton Heston version), it comes on AMC at 4:30 p.m. Friday. Both AMC and TCM are showing war movies all weekend, in honor of Memorial Day, but the most important movie event of the week, by far , is The Karate Kid , showi...

I heard today that Becca's teacher won't be coming back to their school next year. She has evidently decided to take her chances in Vegas. The number of people surprised that Becca's teacher is fleeing the state=0. Unfortunately, I didn't win the pool; I was sure she wouldn't come back after Christmas. (picture: Embeth Davidtz as Miss Honey from the movie Matilda .)

A lesson in being careful what you wish for on Technorati: from Finance Is Fun This first one puzzled me no end. I couldn’t find an about page but it appears to be a blog about the egocentric meanderings in the lesbian life of its author (ess) and how it is connected to Jane Austen except through a life lived separate but equal I can only guess.

That's right, ladies and germs -- today is my dumb blog's first birthday. That's 409 posts of pure brilliance . I know you're as excited as I am. In honor of the big day, I thought I would give away a batch of Nutella cookies. If you're interested, leave a comment on this post and I will pick a winner at random. Even if Nutella isn't your thing, I think the traditional gift for a blogger's first anniversary is the gift of delurking. Thanks so much for reading! Have a Bellini for me tonight.

Okay, SGM and Susannah, per your request: Frankly, I would choose all women. I can't think of one male celebrity who doesn't look like a complete dipshit to me. Matt Damon? He looks like some weasel I would have known in high school. Tom Cruise? Can't get past the crazy. Robert Redford is cute, but let's be honest: the man can't act his way out of a paper bag. George Clooney isn't bad, but doesn't do it for me the way these ladies do. 1. Salma Hayek. Hell fucking yeah. 2. Tina Fey 3. Maria Bartiromo 4. This girl, whoever she is. 5. Brooke Burke. Afterward, we can drink the blood of virgins, or whatever it is she does to keep looking like that. You'll notice I didn't put Kim Kardashian on here. She is possibly the hottest woman ever -- seriously, have you seen her ass? But first of all ... Ray J ? And secondly, for the entire duration of her sex tape, she was CHEWING GUM. Words fail me.

The rumors are true, dear readers: Mamacita has re-entered the workforce as ... a church secretary! I had to go three whole hours this morning without swearing. I'm pretty sure I haven't managed such a feat since I was 11. I don't know what I would do if this were a full-time gig. Anyway, I was thinking of this clip all day:

Check Out the Official Poster for the Cannes Film Festival. The photo was shot by David Lynch. There are more great Cannes posters available here . A tip of the hat to Bunny .

Okay, ladies, let us know the results of the Mother's Day Hint-a-thon. Not exactly ... successful ... over here.

1. I know a sexy attorney-turned-full-time-MILF who needs this Canon digital camera for Mother's Day, so she can take pictures for her blog of her children. Amazon has a good price on it right now. 2. I know another hot mama who is embarking on a very promising writing career. I assume that she already has the basics: a copy of Bird by Bird , and some beautiful office supplies . She needs a gift of a writing workshop , as soon as the nonfiction or memoirs class is offered again. In the meantime she needs something from here . If she's feeling all unemployed and schlubby, wandering around in jeans and flip-flops all the time, Sephora is the antidote.

1. Let's say the mother of your children is artistic, loves color, and her name rhymes with "Letitia Van Campen." She might like a shiny red coral necklace along these lines: One good place to look for such an item would be Windwater Gallery , on 19th Street in the Heights. 2. Okay, now what if your wife is a super-smart bizzness lady with avant-garde tastes, and her name starts with "Sara Brumfield?" First of all, she probably deserves a hammock to lounge about in. She might also like a cookbook -- I hear that Vegetable Harvest by Patricia Wells is excellent. But most of all, I think the Wonder Woman in your life needs cuff bracelets, like this gold lace cuff with pink chalcedony, from Karen Scott : Karen Scott's jewelry can be found in several locations around Austin, including the Scarbrough's at 38th and Lamar (in the CM shopping center). By the way, if the birthday of your only child should happen to fall on Mother's Day weekend, you h...

Take a look at the precious little angel sleeping below. Isn't she adorable? Her mom says, "Chloe is all dressed up in her adorable crocheted dress and tights, for a trip to Grandma's. Bathed, fed, and very sleepy, she just couldn't stay awake any longer." Except Chloe isn't a human baby; she's a vinyl doll . Welcome to the spectacularly creepy world of "reborns." Crafters (not content to be cat ladies, like the rest of the nutjobs in town) take ordinary vinyl dolls and go to elaborate lengths to make them even more lifelike. In Chloe's case, "her realistic complexion and blushing were accomplished with non-toxic, Genesis Heat-Set paints, applied in several layers and baked after each layer." (Chloe's brother, Connor) P.S. Dude, the artist has a blog. I'm not gonna link it, because I don't want the crafty-types to flood me with indignant comments, but here's a money quote about one of her newest creations: ...

Some JACKASS on Gawker revealed a major spoiler about the Sex and the City movie. I wasn't going to see it in the theaters or anything, but I had hoped to remain in the dark until it came out on DVD. Fucking asshole.