Thursday, May 15, 2008

The Free Pass Five

Okay, SGM and Susannah, per your request:

Frankly, I would choose all women. I can't think of one male celebrity who doesn't look like a complete dipshit to me. Matt Damon? He looks like some weasel I would have known in high school. Tom Cruise? Can't get past the crazy. Robert Redford is cute, but let's be honest: the man can't act his way out of a paper bag. George Clooney isn't bad, but doesn't do it for me the way these ladies do.

1. Salma Hayek. Hell fucking yeah.

2. Tina Fey

3. Maria Bartiromo

4. This girl, whoever she is.

5. Brooke Burke. Afterward, we can drink the blood of virgins, or whatever it is she does to keep looking like that.

You'll notice I didn't put Kim Kardashian on here. She is possibly the hottest woman ever -- seriously, have you seen her ass? But first of all ... Ray J? And secondly, for the entire duration of her sex tape, she was CHEWING GUM. Words fail me.


  1. You know that in Joey Ramone's final solo album, he has a song about Maria Bartiromo? It's probably the catchiest tune on that turkey.

  2. omg, you are ON FIRE!

    I laughed so hard at this. Do you think Tina has enough badonkadonk for you?

    You may want to reconsider Kim K. Ray J was a long time ago. Plus, I just saw the episode where she got a little cellulite taken care of and her body is so gorgeous! Not often that you see an arse like that with a flat tummy. HIT THAT, Mamacita!

  3. Not often that you see an arse like that with a flat tummy.


    Okay, maybe it's a round tummy and a flat ass. Same difference.

    And sorry, but chewing gum is a dealbreaker.

  4. do you think the gum-chewing was to get out of giving him a blowjob? because that would be pretty ingenious.

  5. Somebody obviously didn't watch the video.

  6. I just made it over here from SGM...holy sh*t. I don't even know the last time I laughed this hard. Oh, wait - it was probably reading SGM's Free Pass Five.
    Hysterical. Made my day.